Gentlemen Prefer Blondes

Samus Aran was recognized on this site as the greatest gaming heroine of all-time, so you might be surprised that she’s ranked so low on this particular list. It should be noted that the intergalactic bounty hunter wasn’t initially depicted as a blonde, however. She was clearly a brunette in the ending of the first Metroid game, and she actually had green hair if you used the famous “Justin Bailey” code. She was a blonde for her appearance in Super Metroid, though, and her hair color was further intensified in Metroid: Zero Mission. The Super Smash Bros. games have helped cement her as a blonde bombshell, and it’s nice to see her with her hair down. Until Nintendo decides to release Samus hentai, we’ll never be certain if she’s a natural blonde. As such, she’ll have to settle for the number ten position on this list.

Ann Takamaki is a compassionate high school student who works as a fashion model in her spare time. Unfortunately, her beauty often draws attention from the wrong kinds of people. Nasty rumors spread about her fooling around with the gym coach, and Ann is unfairly slut-shamed by her peers. She’s also ostracized for her exotic appearance. Platinum blonde hair isn’t especially common in Japan, and her wavy locks provoke feelings of resentment from some of her classmates. Most of the hate is fueled by jealousy, of course, as Ann is able to coast through life on her looks alone. Incidentally, she enjoys showing off her body so long as she’s in control. Ann is guaranteed to turn heads, and this is especially true when she’s galavanting around in her red leather catsuit. She might be an airhead, but she’s an independent airhead!

Juliet Starling is a charismatic high school senior who divides her time between cheerleading and zombie hunting. Although she’s an amazing athlete and a skilled martial artist, I’d be lying if I said she wasn’t a total ditz. No one on this list embodies the “dumb blonde” stereotype more so than Juliet. Her school is overwhelmed by zombies and many of her friends die as a result, but Juliet thinks the outbreak is “kind of fun” because she gets to ride on a fire truck! Her cavalier attitude is not entirely misplaced, and she can obviously handle herself in a fight. This doesn’t mean she’s not oblivious, however. (Her karate instructor even tricks her into doing cartwheels so he can see her decorative panties.) San Romero High is a den of perverts, but Juliet is unfazed by the actions of her horny classmates. I guess she’s used to being leered at.

One of the reasons why the PS1 was successful was because it targeted an older audience. Sony promoted games with complex stories and mature themes, and they relied heavily on sex appeal to launch the console in the West. Battle Arena Tohshinden was a middling 3D fighting game, but it was positioned as a killer app for Sony’s new console. Sofia was basically the face of the PlayStation brand in 1995, and the whip-wielding Russian appealed to male sensibilities in ways that mascot characters like Mario and Sonic couldn’t. Her flowing blonde hair and leather dominatrix outfit wouldn’t have been out of place in the pages of Penthouse Magazine, and the same could be said of her massive tits. On a less superficial level, Sofia is a strong woman who calls her own shots in life. More women should aspire to be like her.

Katsuragi is an energetic student at a secret, all-girls shinobi academy. Although she has a serious side, she’s mostly known for her excitable personality and her aggressive lesbianism. Western media tends to depict lesbians as androgynous ham planets who are full of spite and fueled by bitterness. Thankfully, Japanese media is more flattering in this regard. Katsuragi is a playful girl who’s not afraid to grab what she wants out of life. To that end, she frequently sneaks up on her female classmates and fondles their boobs without warning! Katsuragi draws inspiration from the “dirty old man” trope that’s prevalent in Japanese pop culture, but I guess sexual harassment is acceptable when it’s being perpetrated by a horny teenage girl with I-cup breasts. On a related note, I appreciate how she leaves her schoolgirl blouse open to maximize her cleavage.

Sylvia Christel is a powerful, dangerous, and manipulative woman who uses her feminine charms to con people out of their hard-earned money. She looks like a typical Bond girl, but her Machiavellian tendencies are more akin to a Bond villain. Her powers of seduction are supported by her provocative clothing and a sexy French accent, and she’ll even offer sex as a reward in order to get her way. To her credit, she actually keeps her end of the bargain. Travis Touchdown has absolutely no prospects when he meets Sylvia, and his life revolves around video games, pro wrestling, and porn. Even though he’s a hopeless otaku, Sylvia still lets him fuck her in his dingy motel room! Sylvia is said to be the hottest woman alive, but she spreads her legs for an underemployed weeb. Beautiful and charitable? How based can one woman be!?

It’s bad form to objectify women, but Catherine is literally made for sex. As it turns out, she’s actually a demon who seduces men in order to expose their unfaithfulness. She obviously wouldn’t be successful in this regard unless she was a total babe. Vincent Brooks had a long term girlfriend named Katherine (with a K) who was way out of his league, but he still ended up taking Catherine home for a night of fun. I’m not justifying his actions, but the blonde jezebel was extremely flirtatious and gave off “do anything you want to me” vibes. Katherine is the responsible choice for mature men who want to settle down. Catherine probably takes it up he ass, however, so I understand Vincent’s dilemma. The little home wrecker starts acting like an obsessed stalker, but anyone familiar with the Hot/Crazy Matrix could have predicted that.

Mythra proves that you should never judge a book by its cover. You probably wouldn’t have guessed that she’s a centuries-old girl just by looking at her, and there’s no indication that she has enough power to wipe out entire continents. Her personality is multifaceted too. When you first meet her, Mythra is a bitch who acts like she’s above everyone else. She winds up being a sweet girl, however, and her overbearing nature is merely a symptom of her PTSD. Mythra’s the type of gal who blows hot and cold, but she’s fun to be around even when she’s throwing things at you and acting like a total c-word. I genuinely appreciate her take-charge personality, but I’ll admit that my opinion of her is influenced by her looks. She has an amazing rack, and her legs are so sexy that the censors demanded that they be covered up in Super Smash Bros. Ultimate.

Mika Nanakawa is an up-and-coming pro wrestler who fights under the guise of Rainbow Mika. Her intensive training regimen includes everything from neck bridges to one-finger push-ups, and she could probably kill you with her thighs. R. Mika works hard to maintain her body, and her flamboyant ring attire accentuates her curves. Her outfit is a cross between a leotard and lingerie, and she draws attention to her balloon tits with decorative heart-shaped patterns. The girl clearly knows how to work a crowd, and she’s always able to get a reaction by playfully smacking her massive ass. Her bright yellow hair makes her stand out in the ring, and the long twintails add a dramatic flair to all of her moves. (They could also work as makeshift handlebars if the situation calls for it!) R. Mika is thicker than a bowl of oatmeal, and I’d gladly let her pin me.

The T&A contingent has a strong presence on this list, but spinner girls need love too! Marie Rose might be flat-chested, but that means you’ll be closer to her heart when you hug her. And, sure, she only weighs 86 pounds, but that means she can sit on your face without prompting an OSHA investigation. I’ll concede that she looks young, but you know she’d be a cheap date since she could order off the kid’s menu without anyone judging her! In all seriousness, Marie is clearly identified as an 18-year-old. Don’t let the twintails fool you; the Swedish servant is an adult who simply has a petite body type. Her critics won’t stop body shaming her, but the fans have helped the doll-faced brawler become the face of DOA. Basically, I’m putting Marie on the top of this list to promote body positivity and to encourage tolerance.