The Butt of All Jokes

Juliet Starling’s aptly-named “Butt Attack” is one of the most useful moves in Lollipop Chainsaw. When the bubbly cheerleader nails a zombie with her bubbly butt, a comical “Boing!” sound can be heard and her enemies are instantly dazed. This opens the door for Juliet to follow up with a more powerful attack, but it can be a gamble to use the move in high-pressure situations. It’s definitely not the most accurate attack, so Juliet will often sail past her intended opponents and land flat on her ass. This leaves her open to attack as she recovers, but Juliet strikes me as a girl who likes to live dangerously. The fact that the decapitated (and still-living) head of her boyfriend is hanging off her waist at all times makes the move even more dangerous, but I doubt he takes issue with Juliet sitting on his head from time to time.

This list is going to be completely dominated by women, but Victor von Gerdenheim isn’t afraid to break convention. What can you say about a guy who attacks with his ass in lieu of kicking? Unlike most of the characters on this list who are content to simply bash their opponents with their rear ends, Victor doesn’t limit himself to simple butt butts. At times, he will actually grab his opponents with his butt cheeks and squeeze the life out of them. This sounds impossible, but Victor has the uncanny ability to increase the size and shape of his butt at will. Victor was created in a lab by a professor and his very existence is an affront to nature, but his butt attacks are unusual even by his standards. The only reason he’s not ranked higher is because his attacks are a little too weird.

A few ladies from Dead or Alive were considered for this list, and butt battles are a major component in the Dead or Alive Xtreme spinoff series. Tina Armstrong is the most obvious choice, however, since she’s a professional wrestler by trade. (If you watch any amount of women’s wrestling, you’ve likely seen someone use their butt as a weapon.) Tina uses a flying backwards butt attack as part of her wrestling repertoire, and she typically aims straight for her opponents faces. When her enemies are knocked down, Tina can add insult to injury by kicking her legs into the air and dropping down on them ass-first. Tina is confident in her abilities and obviously uses her sex appeal as an advantage, but her all-American ass is a viable weapon and her butt attacks never feel contrived. She’s sexy and practical.

Jessica Albert was born into wealth, but the short-tempered sorceress certainly doesn’t act like an aristocrat. She basically dresses like a stripper, and her wardrobe is largely comprised of skirts, bustiers, and bikinis. It’s not the least bit surprising that she has enough confidence to attack people with her ass. Jessica’s “Hip Drop” technique doesn’t look especially dangerous, but it’s described in-game as a form of “pelvic punishment.” To execute the move, Jessica hops in front of her intended target, plants her feet, and briefly twerks on her opponent. The hearts that fill the screen while she performs the weaponized lap dance should not distract you from the damage caused by her curvaceous backside. Jessica’s enemies are sometimes so charmed by the move that they end up missing their turn.

Many of Sophitia Alexandra’s attacks revolved around her butt in the first SoulCalibur, and her younger sister followed her example in the sequels. Known as the Valiant Princess, Cassandra has a kind heart and a strong butt. She swings her hips with incredible quickness and uses her ass in combo attacks. After tripping an opponent, she can slam her butt into their face as they are struggling to maintain their balance. Cassandra even uses her butt as part of her critical finish. After slashing her opponents with her sword, Cassandra will playfully knock them over with her behind. She’ll then ridicule them by sitting on their faces and ask, “You like this kind of stuff?” The question is rhetorical, but the pink hearts that fill the screen echo my sentiments. Cassandra? More like Assandra, amirite?

The “Ground Pound” maneuver has been a staple of the Mario universe since the release of Yoshi’s Island. This devastating hip drop could smash through bricks or drive in posts, but I’d describe it as a gravity-based attack rather than a proper butt attack. In contrast, Peach has several butt-based attacks at her disposal in the Smash Bros. games that are all about ass. She can cause damage by sticking out her booty or simply sitting on her enemies, but her “Peach Bomber” attack is more powerful. By lunging butt-first at her enemies, Peach can create explosions of fire or hearts that will send her opponents flying. It’s not unusual for her opponent to end up with a faceful of princess ass, but there’s nothing especially erotic about Peach’s fighting style. Her moves are sillier than they are sexy.

Honey was originally known as “Candy” in the west, but she’s a sweet girl regardless of what you call her. She entered a fighting tournament to promote her custom fashion line, and her fighting style is every bit as outlandish as the plastic fairy costume she wears. Many of Honey’s moves involve her butt, and an inordinate amount of them involve face-sitting. She even needs a running start for one of them. The two things that made Fighting Vipers stand out from other fighting games were destructible clothing and destructible battle arenas. Honey can strip opponents down to their underwear simply by hitting them with her ass, and her backside can literally knock her opponents through walls! Her own clothing will take damage in the process, but her lingerie is less embarrassing than a PVC skirt.

A number of King of Fighters competitors have mastered the art of butt fighting. Athena and Mai use aerial butt attacks, Momoko incorporates her butt into combos, and Shingo proves that butt attacks aren’t exclusive to female fighters. I’m recognizing Yuri Sakazaki over her colleagues because her butt attacks are an integral part of her character and a focal point for fanart. Her trademark “Big Butt Press” sees Yuri hopping backwards and smashing her enemies with her bum. The attack has incredible range and even makes a silly sound in The King of Fighters ’95. Yuri seems to take great pride in her backside, and rightfully so. When she’s not using her ass to attack her enemies, Yuri often slaps her ass in a taunting manner. Fighting tournaments are serious business, but you really have to admire her playful attitude.

Hibari comes from a long-standing line of noble ninjas, but she never wanted to become a shinobi herself and frequently makes mistakes. She relies heavily on hand-to-hand melee attacks and created her own fighting style that resembles a child in a scuffle, but her various butt-based attacks are more dangerous than they look. Her “Butt Go Boom!” attack sees the reluctant ninja jumping high into the air and falling on her enemies butt-first. Some variations of this secret ninja art see Hibari increasing in size in order to make a bigger impact when she pounds the ground with her butt. Hibari also has a secret fusion ninja art that allows her and a friend to collide their butts mid-air to perform a double hip drop. This move leaves behind a crater in the shape of a heart, because of course it does.

Rainbow Mika embodies many qualities of a great butt fighter. She’s a professional wrestler like Tina, she playfully slaps her ass like Yuri, and she double-teams her opponents like Hibari to crush her opponent’s head between a pair of asses. The aspiring superstar of the ring goes all out to impress her crowds with her wrestling moves. Her trademark “Flying Peach” and “Shooting Peach” moves see R. Mika flinging herself butt-first at her opponents, and her “Rainbow Hip Rush” can land multiple hits with a single leap! She doesn’t hold anything back, so she often has to rub her sore posterior due to the recoil of these attacks. She could have made this list based solely on the technical merits of her butt attacks, but her revealing outfits certainly don’t hurt her cause. The girl’s thicker than a bowl of oatmeal.