Woe Is She

Prin Prin is a beautiful princess who is kidnapped by a atrocious villain. That’s pretty much the status quo of this list and par for the course for the gaming world in general. What makes her situation especially distressing, however, is the lengths the hero must go to save her. Coming to Prin Prin’s rescue is Arthur – a man who demonstrates incredible bravery and is quite literally a knight in shining armor. Unfortunately, the aforementioned armor can be instantly destroyed at the slightest touch from any enemy in the game. The Ghouls ‘n Ghosts series is notoriously difficult and very few players will ever reach the end. What’s worse is the fact that you actually have to play through the games twice in order to finally save the princess. For this reason, there’s a pretty good chance that Prin Prin never will be rescued.

Elizabeth was blessed with the power to create gateways to new universes, but this ended up being more of a curse. She was taken from her home at an early age and locked away in a floating city specifically designed to suppress her powers. Her name was also changed as a part of a larger ploy to strip her of her past. Despite being touted as a miracle child, she was isolated for her entire life and her only company was that of a creepy mechanical bird designed to keep watch over her. After years of searching, a figure from her past was eventually able to find and rescue her. Elizabeth isn’t a typical damsel in distress. She has phenomenal abilities and is often in a position where she’s playing the hero. Still, the fact that she was literally rescued from a tower in the sky makes her a perfect candidate for this list.

By tapping into the vast storage potential of the new “LaserDisc” format, the designers of Dragon’s Lair were able to produce the highest quality artwork that had ever been seen in a video game at the time of its release in 1983. The game was almost treated like a motion picture, and a team of animators (including Disney veteran Don Bluth) spent seven months working on the game. At a time when game characters consisted of simplistic sprites made up of a handful of pixels, the hand-drawn visuals in Dragon’s Lair really stood out. Princess Daphne’s curvaceous design was particularly noteworthy, and the animators openly admitted to finding their inspiration in the pages Playboy. At fifty cents a play, the game was twice as expensive as other arcade games, but gamers still lined up for their chance to save the beautiful Princess.

In the opening moments of Double Dragon, Marian is punched in the gut and taken away over the shoulder of a street thug. This horrible situation was made even more tragic by the fact that her boyfriend, Billy Lee, showed up mere seconds after the attack. As a result, Billy and his brother Jimmy had to fight their way through the mean streets in order to save her. Unfortunately, things were even worse for Marian in the sequel. This time, instead of simply being punched in the gut, she was shot to death in the opening sequence! Although Marian was later revived by an angel, her string of bad luck continued in Double Dragon III. This time, Marian was placed under the spell of an evil Egyptian goddess and the Lee brothers had to beat the crap out of her themselves. Marian just can’t seem to catch a break.

Admittedly, Metal Gear Solid‘s Meryl is not your typical damsel in distress. She’s a military brat who has been around guns her entire life, and she absolutely despises the type of girl who puts on makeup and looks at themselves in the mirror. Despite her rough exterior and military training, Meryl remains vulnerable throughout the entire game. Not only is she constantly being hit on, but she’s thrown into battle before she is ready and completely freezes up when she finally sees combat. Later, she is placed under the mind control of Psycho Mantis and Snake is forced to knock her unconscious. Meryl is then severely wounded by Sniper Wolf and taken prisoner. While she’s certainly tougher than the other ladies on this list, Meryl is constantly falling into compromising positions and frequently needs to be rescued.

Natalya Simonova isn’t a video game character per se, but I’m including her on this list because GoldenEye contains several scenarios and story elements that were not seen in the film. In most games, you can reach the end, save the girl, and call it a day. This formula doesn’t apply to GoldenEye, though, as Natalya has to be rescued several times throughout the course of the game and often needs constant protection throughout entire stages. James Bond will have to break her out of a prison cell, rescue her from an exploding helicopter, release her from an interrogation room, pursue her through the streets of St. Petersburg, shoot her captor in a hostage situation, lead her through dense jungles in Cuba, and provide cover for her as she takes several eternities to hack into a computer network.

The daughter of a newly-elected American President, Ashley is taken captive by a mysterious cult and held captive in a quaint Spanish village. As if her situation wasn’t already stressful enough, Ashley also has to figure out how to rid herself of a mind-controlling parasite that has been implanted in her. Even after players rescue Ashley, they still have to be mindful of her health as they protect her from mutant creatures and creepy cult members. If you leave her alone for a second or two, she will probably be kidnapped again. Despite being in constant danger, Ashley remains completely unarmed at all times – even if you have plenty of extra weapons at your disposal. Worst of all, Ashley also faces the humiliation of perverts going out of their way to look up her skirt whenever she climbs down a ladder.

The concept of a video game princess being held captive isn’t exactly out of the ordinary, but what makes Yorda’s situation especially tragic is that she is being held captive by her own mother! Apparently, Yorda is imprisoned because the aging queen wishes to grant herself another life by eventually seizing Yorda’s body for her own. The only one that can save Yorda from her dire situation is a cursed ten-year old outcast named Ico, who is a prisoner himself and can’t even speak the same language as she does. After Ico releases Yorda from her prison cell, mysterious shadowy figures remain in constant pursuit of them. It’s up to Ico to protect the ethereal princess from these dark creatures and lead her to safety. At times, Ico will have to literally take Yorda by the hand in order to move her out of harm’s way.

Peach has occasionally been known to take on a heroic role but – as the Princess of the Mushroom Kingdom – she has been repeatedly kidnapped since childhood. One might describe her as the quintessential damsel in distress. After all, she has been kidnapped more often than any other girl on this list. More often than not, Bowser is responsible for said kidnappings, and Peach is even forced to marry the Koopa King on one occasion. Fortunately for Peach, the iconic Mario Brothers are always willing to set everything aside in order to rescue her. Peach is clearly a girl worth saving, though. Not only is she rich, but she has a great sense of humor and will sometimes reward Mario with kisses. She has also been known to bake a cake for her hero. They don’t make them much sweeter than Peach.

Technically, Zelda actually has multiple incarnations in a legend spanning several generations. At various points in the series, Zelda appears as a sage, a pirate, and a prophet. One thing all of Zelda’s incarnations have in common, however, is a destiny tied to the Triforce of Wisdom. Unfortunately, this means that she will forever attract evil individuals who wish to use the power of the Triforce for their own selfish purposes. As such, she is often kidnapped and held captive. Zelda also finds herself the victim of a sleeping curse and is temporarily possessed by Ganon on one occasion. Zelda earns the top spot because she is arguably the most recognizable name on this list. As the eponymous character in one of gaming’s most powerful franchises, she even manages to overshadow her hero to a certain extent.