Men of Constant Sorrow

Hal “Otacon” Emmerich is a gifted scientist and the stereotypical nerd of the Metal Gear Solid franchise. He’s a complex character whose hobbies include anime, designing walking death bots, and finding love on the battlefield. He also enjoys banging his stepmother, but that’s another story altogether. When we are first introduced to Otacon, he is cowering in a locker. There’s certainly no shame in that, considering there was an insane cyber ninja with a laser sword on the loose. The fact that Otacon literally pisses his pants during this event was understandable, albeit embarrassing. The fact that he pissed himself again after the event was downright cringeworthy. Otacon is eventually saved by a super soldier named Snake and the two become BFFs, but Snake never lets Otacon forget how they met.

“The president has been kidnapped by ninjas. Are you a bad enough dude to rescue the president?” That’s the story of Bad Dudes in its entirety. The premise sounds relatively simple at first, but it involves the abduction of the most powerful man in the world. In real life, the implications of such an act would be felt around the globe and the political landscape would be rocked to its core. When the game first hit the arcades in 1988, it was President Reagan that needed to be saved. When the game was ported to the NES the following year, Ronnie was replaced by President Bush. Both victims seem remarkably chill about the whole ordeal after they are rescued. Despite being involved in an event that is certain to change the entire world, the presidents simply laugh it off and suggest grabbing a burger to celebrate.

Mario’s heroic exploits have been well-documented, but it’s pertinent to remember the times when our moustached friend has needed a little help. When Mario was an infant being delivered to his parents via stork, he was attacked by a maniacal koopa wizard named Kamek. Luigi was taken during this attack, but Mario fell to the earth below. Kamek quickly dispatched his minions to capture the other twin, which put Mario under constant threat of abduction. In a typical playthrough of Yoshi’s Island, Mario is likely to be kidnapped more often than Peach has been in the past three decades! Even as an adult, Mario has needed to rely on his friends on multiple occasions. He needs to be rescued by Yoshi at the onset of Super Mario 64 DS and waits patiently for the Princess to save him in Super Princess Peach.

In Dracula-X, Richter Belmont dispatched the evil Count and rescued several fair maidens (including Maria Renard) along the way. When Symphony of the Night was released several years later, Richter was missing in action and Maria took it upon herself to journey into Dracula’s castle to find him. As Maria was busy investigating Richter’s disappearance, Dracula’s son Alucard spent his time battling evil within the castle. Richter eventually revealed himself as the new lord of the castle, but Maria plead with Alucard not to hurt him. Maria later discovered that Richter was under the control of someone else and provided Alucard with an item that allowed him to break the curse. Had it not been for Maria, Richter would have remained under the control of Dracula’s servants and would have almost certainly fallen at the hands of Alucard.

Ratchet and Clank are a well-oiled machine when they work together, but they tend to get kidnapped a lot when they’re on their own. The most notable instance of this happening was when Clank was abducted by mysterious forces at the end of Tools of Destruction. This event put Clank in a coma for two years and was basically the video game equivalent of Han Solo being frozen in carbonite. Naturally, the sequel was based around Ratchet’s quest to save his robot pal. Ratchet has also been in peril on many occasions. In Size Matters, for example, Ratchet was deceived by an alien robot and held captive. Ratchet was in trouble again in Secret Agent Clank and had to wait for his partner to rescue his wrongfully imprisoned ass. Ratchet and Clank are willing to go great lengths to rescue each other, and neither could survive without the other.

Crono had a rough go of things during his adventures through time. On one occasion he was wrongfully imprisoned for kidnapping a princess. At another point, he was robbed of his belongings and held captive in a flying warship. While many people on this list are at risk of being killed, Crono is different in the sense that he actually is killed. One of the most significant moments of Chrono Trigger involves Crono dying in an encounter with a giant apocalyptic alien. Crono’s friends were able to band together and manipulate time in order to bring their friend back, but there were many obstacles standing in the way – both in the game’s world and in real life. It was writer Yuji Hori’s original intent for Crono to remain dead, but Square felt the scenario would be too depressing and asked that Crono be brought back to life later in the story.

Pey’j is an accomplished mechanic who has watched over an orphaned girl named Jade since childhood. With Uncle Pey’j’s help, Jade has matured into a brave woman and a member of a resistance movement. When Jade sets out to reveal a planet-wide conspiracy, Pey’j insists on sticking to her like honey to bees. Despite what his potbellied appearance might suggest, Pey’j is no stranger to combat and is the secret leader of an underground rebel organization. Although his intent was to protect Jade form danger, Pey’j often finds himself in need of rescue. During the game, Pey’j is abducted, taken to a slaughterhouse, and launched to a lunar base. Jade manages to bring him back from the brink of death, but as Beyond Good & Evil draws to a close, it’s revealed that Pey’j has been infected by an alien virus. The guy just can’t catch a break.

Joseph Oda is basically the male equivalent of Ashley Graham (from Resident Evil 4) in the sense that he jumps from one distressing situation to another. Joseph goes missing before the first chapter of The Evil Within, and everything goes downhill from there. Even though Joseph is a police detective, he is in frequent need of rescue. Joseph is constantly being separated from his partners and is knocked unconscious on multiple occasions during the game. He is also taken over by haunted beings, placed in a guillotine, shot by a sniper, and is presumed dead when he is caught in the crossfire during a Mexican standoff with his two partners. His fate is left ambiguous, but Joseph himself sensed the inevitability of his death and even contemplated suicide. If that’s not bad enough, he also loses his glasses at one point!

Nick is lucky to be dating Juliet Starling. Not only is Juliet the hottest girl in school, but she’s also an experienced zombie hunter! When Nick is bitten by a zombie, Juliet makes the bold decision to decapitate him with a chainsaw to prevent him from turning into a zombie himself. For the rest of the game, Nick’s disembodied head is attached to Juliet’s belt like a fashion accessory. (Imagine the outrage if their roles were reversed.) Nick’s head is occasionally used as a projectile, but he’s mostly there to provide comic relief and moral support. At Juliet’s request, he comes up with inspiring cheers like, “Rah, rah! It sucks being a head! Fuck everything! Rah, rah!” Without question, Nick is one of the most hapless figures in gaming. He would be lost without Juliet and openly admits that he’d likely piss himself if he still had a bladder.

Donkey Kong made his debut in a self-titled 1981 arcade game and gained fame by kidnapping a girl and holding her captive atop a construction site. His plans were eventually foiled by the heroic Mario, and video game history was made. In the ultimate display of role reversal, Donkey Kong found himself held captive in the sequel. Donkey Kong was one of the most imposing characters to ever appear in a game, so it was a bit of a shock to see Mario lowering a cage around him at the beginning of Donkey Kong Junior. By 1982, video game damsels in distress were a dime a dozen, but the capture of Donkey Kong marked the first time the trope had been applied to a male character. Donkey Kong was nothing if not powerful, so seeing him placed in a compromising situation is reminder that being kidnapped is not a sign of weakness.