The Doctor is In

Alec Earnhardt was a brilliant doctor who lived a happy life with his two-year-old daughter in London. After she fell out of the window of their apartment building, Earnhardt began traveling the world in an effort to let go of the pain. (Some people would have simply written a hit song in that situation, but I digress.) After taking up residence in an abandoned mansion on Rook Island, Earnhardt made a living producing and selling drugs to pirates and privateers on the black market. He soon became the main supplier of drugs on the islands, but he was often under the influence himself. Sadly, he could never move past the death of his daughter and frequently sampled his own product in an effort to forget his painful memories. Despite rubbing shoulders with pirates and showing a complete disregard for the law, Earnhardt is a harmless soul.

Of all the doctors on this list, Dr. Mundo is the one I’d least like to visit. The Madman of Zaun is said to have been born without a conscience, and he had already been charged for murder 38 times by the time he had legally acquired his license to practice medicine. Unfortunately, a lack of evidence kept him out of prison and allowed him to continue his twisted experiments. Dr. Mundo gained a profound understanding of the pain response in the human brain, and he was even able to suppress it altogether. He also made strides in enhancing aggression and suppressing conscience. His desire to inflict pain through experimentation is so strong that he even used himself as a test subject. In the end, he had turned himself into a science-enhanced (albeit disfigured) killer. I hope you have a large supply of apples.

Being a doctor can be overwhelmingly nerve-racking, and different physicians deal with the stress in different ways. Baldhead was a highly respected member of his community and his rapport with children was especially noteworthy. Unfortunately, he descended into madness after a child died on the operating table. With his good nature eroded and his morals cast aside, Baldhead became a violent murderer. It was later revealed that his patient was intentionally infected with an incurable virus in order to drive Baldhead insane. It’s a tragic story to be sure, but Baldhead probably should have taken the Hippocratic Oath more seriously. Killing scores of innocent people with a giant scalpel is not an appropriate response to losing a patient, and that’s probably why Baldheld felt compelled to adopt a new persona and cover his face with a paper bag.

Dr. Zed lost his medical license and didn’t even graduate from medical school, but this doesn’t hurt his business. His patients are more than happy to see him when they are injured. Zed sometimes underplay his contributions and suggests that he merely keeps the medical equipment running. He’s legally obligated to tell his patients that he’s not a real doctor, but who needs a medical license when you have scary machines and needles? Dr. Zed spends an inordinate amount of time chopping up corpses in the infirmary, but he does whatever he can to prevent people from becoming corpses in the first place. As he so aptly puts it, “If you ain’t dead, I’ll keep you that way.” When he’s not too busy treating patients, Dr. Zed maintains myriads of medical vending machines that are located around the planet of Pandora.

Dr. Albert Contiello is arguably the most unethical doctor on this list. A psychotic surgeon with no morals to speak of, he performs sadistic surgery in order to harvest organs. He views the sales of organs on the black market an example of capitalism at its finest, and he insists that a zombie outbreak is the perfect time to make money. Albert’s character is meant to embody greed itself, but he takes things to an even darker place. The necklace he wears adds new meaning to the phrase “five finger discount,” and it can be assumed that he keeps body parts of his victims as souvenirs. When challenged, Albert attacks with a surgical saw and uses a syringe to induce hallucinations. After getting a taste of his own medicine, Albert disembowels himself with his saw! At least he’s an equal opportunity organ harvester.

Litchi Faye-Ling has already been recognized for her prowess with a combat staff, but this list highlights her compassion rather than her physicality. Litchi ran a medical clinic and was renowned for her intelligence and kind heart. When her colleague was transformed into a grotesque monster, she sought to restore him to his former self by any means necessary. While searching for a cure, she was manipulated by an unethical organization and sacrificed a piece of her humanity in the process. Still, she remained focused on finding a cure for her friend and was willing to put her own life on the line. The field of medicine would not exist without research, and Litchi’s drive to cure the incurable earns her a lofty position on this list. Some critics might argue that she’s oversexualized, but I’m Faye-Ling to see the issue.

Many doctors are driven by a desire to help others, and Amy Sage’s selfless nature is apparent in every facet of her life. After finishing her internship, she was sent to a neighboring town and tasked with treating victims of a biomonster attack. The bridge leading to the town had been destroyed, however, so Amy had to go to great lengths just to reach the town in the first place. When the town was targeted by an even more powerful monster, Amy decided to seek the help of a curative technique researcher and also found a way to destroy the beast altogether. Amy is out of her element on the battlefield, but her medical knowledge makes up for what she lacks in speed and power. A broad range of healing and supportive techniques prove to be valuable in tough battles, and Amy is a solid choice as a permanent party member.

Dr. Ludwing is one of gaming’s most proficient combat medics. Although he arms himself with a bonesaw and a rapid-fire syringe, his primary role is keeping his teammates healthy with his trademark Medi Gun. Unfortunately, he has little regard for ethics or basic human dignity. He was trained in Germany during World War II, and the Hippocratic Oath was apparently downgraded to a Hippocratic suggestion during this era. The Medic specializes in doctor-assisted homicide, so it’s debatable whether or not he really deserves a place on this list. We’re talking about a guy who lost his medical license after he stole a patient’s skeleton! His placement on this list should not be taken as an endorsement, but you can’t deny that he’s an icon.

Mario has lived an exciting life. He has battled giant gorillas, rescued princesses, and traveled across the galaxy. How he found time to attend medical school, I’ll never know. In Dr. Mario, our hero uses his vast medical knowledge to eradicate viruses that reside in giant pill bottles. In a 2015 interview, series creator Shigeru Miyamoto suggested that Mario was not a real doctor, but you can’t argue with the results. I do, however, question his methods. The manner in which Mario throws pills at a problem without proper evaluation is concerning. He often uses pills that are completely inappropriate for the viruses that he is dealing with. I’m not sure if he is getting kickbacks from the pharmaceutical industry or if he’s just apathetic, but either option is reason enough to keep him from being ranked any higher.

There are many doctors in the Trauma Center series, but Derek Stiles is a good fit for this list. After losing his father at a young age, Derek pursued a career in medicine. Although he was somewhat irresponsible at first, his hard work and devotion made him a world-renowned surgeon. He acts like a bumbling fool at times, but he’s a bona fide genius that was gifted with powers of the “Healing Touch.” This basically allows him to operate with superhuman speed and precision and gives him the perception that everything around him is slowing down. This uncanny ability helped him to save the lives of countless patients and was apparently linked to Asclepius, the Greek god of medicine. His reliance on his abilities leads to overconfidence, but he continues to grow as a doctor and a person as the series progresses.