One Over the Eight

The Harvest Moon franchise is comprised of farm simulation games that allow players to partake in everyday farming activities like milking cows, chopping wood, and planting crops. Harvest Moon isn’t all about hard work, however, as the farmers will also take time to relax or attend festivals. They’ll also be able to knock back a few cold ones every now and again. Surprisingly, many of the references to alcohol made it through the localization process. In Harvest Moon 64, your character will even have the opportunity to make his own wine! If your character drinks frequently throughout the year, he will also be able to build up his tolerance to alcohol. This will not only allow him to drink the entire town under the table during the New Year’s Eve celebration, but it will also impress one of the lovely ladies that he’s trying to woo.

Randall Lovikov is a drunken Russian man who wastes his life away in a dive bar in Santa Destroy. Lovikov appears to be a pathetic and broken down shell of a man, but he is able to put his memories to good use by teaching ambitious assassins new fighting techniques. Lovikov is pretty ill-tempered though, so his teaching method basically consists of him beating the living crap out of his pupil. Not only is Lovikov a grouchy and abusive drunk, but he’s also a little unbalanced. Aside from booze, the only things he seems interested in are mysterious red balls that are hidden throughout the city. The saddest thing about Lovikov is that you get a sense that he could have made something of his life. As Marlon Brando would say, “He coulda had class. He coulda been a contender. He coulda been somebody instead of a bum, which is what he is.”

Aleksandr Leonovitch Granin is a Soviet weapons designer and the director of the aptly-named Granin Design Bureau. Granin’s most significant brainchild was a planned bipedal, all-terrain, walking battle tank that would be capable of launching nuclear warheads from anywhere on the planet. When his commanding officer rejected the idea and stripped him of his authority, Granin decided to drown his sorrows with alcohol. After drinking himself into a stupor, Granin then decided to help his capitalist enemies in order to make his superiors regret their mistake. This led to Granin giving Snake keys to a locked warehouse along with detailed instructions on how to infiltrate the military base. Things do not end well for poor Granin, however. After being suspected of being a mole, Granin is beaten to death.

In the first Condemned game, Ethan Thomas is a hard-working, clean-cut FBI Agent who’s investigating a string of homicides in Metro City. When the city begins to experience outbreaks of insane violence and mass psychosis, Ethan is caught in the middle. During the game, Ethan is framed for murder, tortured, and eventually confronted by a mutilated creature with paranormal abilities. These events take their toll on Ethan, and he turns to alcohol to escape from reality. Evidently, this wasn’t exactly the best idea, and all the drinking in the world couldn’t change the past or make the monsters disappear. Condemned 2 is set a mere 11 months after the events of its predecessor, but this was more than enough time for Ethan to become an unemployed hobo with ratty clothes and grungy hair. Condemned 2 can be viewed as a cautionary tale.

Bubble Bobble tells the story of two dinosaurs on a quest to rescue their girlfriends. Along the way, they encounter an assortment of enemies that include wind-up monsters and flying space invaders. The most interesting enemies in the game are the drunks who wander around throwing liquor bottles as though they were boomerangs. Super Drunk acts as the final boss in the game and is basically a larger version of the smaller drunks that are encountered throughout the adventure. Super Drunk’s name was changed to Grumple Grommit in American versions of the game, but his rosy cheeks are a clear sign of alcoholism. Much like the smaller versions, Super Drunk throws booze bottles as his primary method of attack. I blame his parents. They had nine months, and the best name they could come up with was Super Drunk!?

The Grand Theft Auto series is centered around illicit activities, so it only makes sense that some of the characters from the game would have drinking problems. Vladamir Glebov is a Russian loan shark and the owner of Comrade’s Bar. “Uncle Vlad” spends most of his time in his bar drinking his life away, but he also dabbles in cocaine from time to time. Like many alcoholics, Vlad is arrogant and repulsive. Alcohol gives him an over-inflated sense of self-importance and he goes out of his way to belittle those around him. Eventually, Vlad ends up pissing off the wrong person and his life ends on a depressing note. During a pathetic attempt to flee from his rivals, Vlad ends up crashing his car before drunkenly begging for his life. Ultimately, Uncle Vlad gets shot in the eye before his body is dumped in the river.

Every successful fighting game has certain features that set it apart from its competitors. Mortal Kombat had fatalities, SoulCalibur had weapons, and Dead or Alive had jiggle physics. Aside from being the first 3D fighting game, Virtua Fighter set itself apart from other games in the genre by implementing several real-world fighting styles into the game. Ninjitsu, Jeet Kune Do, and even professional wrestling were represented. However, the most unpredictable fighting style in the series was Zui Quan. Zui Quan is perhaps more commonly known as Drunken Kung Fu. In Virtual Fighter, the Drunken Kung Fu method is used by an elderly herbal doctor from China named Shun Di. The philosophy behind this style is to merely imitate a drunkard’s movements, but Shun Di drinks before, after, and even during his fights.

In all likelihood, Chin’s design was directly influenced by a character from the martial arts film, Drunken Master. Much like Virtua Fighter‘s Shun Di, Chin Gentsai is an elderly Chinese man and a master of the Drunken Kung Fu style. In addition to using the unpredictable movements of a drunkard, Chin also finds other ways of incorporating alcohol into his fighting style. For instance, drinking alcohol grants Chin the ability to blow a stream of fire out of his mouth. Chin can also set his entire body ablaze by drinking. (I guess alcohol really does lead to reckless behavior.) In any case, Chin’s red nose and missing teeth make him seem more pathetic than he really is. Although Chin is almost always tanked, his age and experience makes him an effective mentor and instructor for the younger generation.

Conker was initially conceived as a typical child-friendly animal mascot like Diddy Kong or Banjo. Due to market saturation, Rare decided that Conker needed a change in direction in order to set himself apart from his contemporaries. By the time Conker’s Bad Fur Day was released for the Nintendo 64, Conker had been transformed into a belligerent drunk with an affinity for sophomoric humor. At the onset of the game, Conker is seen getting drunk in a bar. This scene pretty much sets the tone for the entire adventure. Throughout the course of the game, Conker uses low-brow language, staggers around in a drunken stupor, and even urinates in public! Conker has no shame, but he really doesn’t need any. Conker encounters several other alcoholics during his adventures and has no reason to hide his drunkenness.

Before his name was changed for the NES version, Soda Popinski was known as Vodka Drunkenski in the arcades. The reason for the name change is probably pretty obvious, and it’s understandable why Nintendo wouldn’t want to promote alcoholism. However, although Nintendo changed the character’s name, they didn’t alter his personality or appearance. It’s quite clear that Soda Popinski is still a drunk, but the name change just makes it seem like he’s trying to hide it. While taking a swig from a green bottle between rounds, Soda Popinski often says things like, “I can’t drive, so I’m gonna walk all over you!” and, “I drink to prepare for a fight. Tonight I am very prepared!” If this doesn’t convince you that Soda Popinski is still on the sauce, the fact that he has pink skin probably should. Also, he’s from Russia.