Here's to You, Mrs. Robinson

There are a number of Fire Emblem hotties who were considered for this list. The salacious Sonia was an obvious candidate, but she ended up being a delusional tramp who merely passed herself off as a mother. Igrene was another candidate, but describing her as a MILF would be in bad form considering her kid died. Queen Ismaire’s beauty kept one of her vassals in the friend zone for 20 years, but she’s way too plain for my tastes and went out like a chump. In the end, I decided that Lady Louise is most deserving of a place on this list. While many of her peers are content singing and dancing for their husbands, Louise takes to the battlefield to defend her family. Lady Louise is a sweet girl with a playful side, but she’s also an assertive woman who is willing to break convention to get what she wants.

Bayonetta is one of gaming’s biggest sex symbols, and she is cut from the same cloth as her mother in many ways. Thanks to the wonders of time travel, Bayonetta was introduced to a younger version of herself. The leggy heroine didn’t recognize the young girl at first since she was inflicted by amnesia at the time, but the child mistook her older self for her mommy. The reason why the child was so confused is that Bayonetta was the splitting image of their mother, Rosa. Rosa looks and fights like her daughter, and she even dresses in a similar fashion. Unfortunately, Rosa is a little more reserved and not nearly as fun. She wears a veil, she doesn’t strip naked in the middle of battles, and her manner of speaking is a lot more conservative. She’s obviously not as sexually charged as Bayonetta is, but Rosa is still provocative in her own way.

Housewife, boxer, mercenary, mother… Is there anything this woman can’t do? She was already recognized elsewhere on this site as one of gaming’s greatest boxers, but Vanessa’s toughness is overshadowed by her sexiness. She’s clever too, and enters the “King of Fighters” tournament in order to gain intel on an international crime syndicate. Vanessa is a great fit for this list since she was added to the King of Fighters series specifically to contrast the numerous teenage girls on the roster. (She’s only 30, but that’s pretty ancient by fighting game standards.) Vanessa may have been rated higher on this list if not for the fact that the votes were split with another red-headed spy who wears sexy business attire, enters fighting tourneys, and infiltrates criminal organizations while still raising a child on the side.

Many of the women in Koei’s Warriors franchise are based on historical figures who eventually had children, so many of them could be described as MILFs. Nene was specifically intended to be the “cute mom” of the Samurai Warriors roster, but she isn’t depicted as an actual mother during the games and merely treats her subordinates as children. With Nene out of the running, Mistress Aya becomes the obvious choice. Aya is a virtuous woman who participates in military campaigns in order to uphold the morality of the army. Although she looks harmless, she’s prone to bouts of calm aggressiveness and sometimes leads teams of white-hooded warriors in destroying evil. Aya is a source of inspiration and is known as a warrior of purity, but you know what they say about the nice ones. Lady on the streets, freak in the sheets.

What’s shakin’ bacon? Jessie was a teenage mom who dropped out of school and started making adult films to make ends meet. She never loses touch with her wild side and overcompensates for her lost youth after her daughter grows up. There are a couple of HuniePop models that could have been listed here, so some might question why I’d pick a past-her-prime cougar like Jessie over a fitness-obsessed twenty-something like Kyanna. At 36, Jessie is easily the oldest human in HuniePop, but it would be hard to turn down a slutty pornstar who craves attention and has a “crazy high” libido. Some of the fine women on this list are being imagined into roles that they would never actually fall into, but HuniePop is intended for adult audiences and a woman like Jessie would be proud to be called a MILF.

Nina became a mother without even knowing it. This kind of thing happens in the real world, but Nina’s case was special. She had a reputation for being a cold-blooded assassin and cold-hearted bitch, so it’s almost poetic that she ended up being frozen in a literal sense. Forced to become a test subject for amoral research, Nina was placed into cryogenic sleep for nearly 20 years. During this time, she was unknowingly impregnated via in-vitro fertilization and gave birth to a son. She had no recollection of what had transpired when she awoke, but the experiment had created a scenario in which Nina was only a few years older than her child. Nina didn’t have a relationship with her son and had no interest in pursuing one, but this was probably for the best since it’s a safe bet that all of his friends would try to bang her.

Crimson Viper is a CIA spy tasked with bringing down a notorious crime syndicate, but she still finds time for her daughter. Her work/life balance is irrelevant as far as this list is concerned, but the way she dresses is a matter of great interest. It’s almost as if she couldn’t decide whether she wanted to look like a business woman or a working girl. (Although I guess there’s no reason why business suits shouldn’t have exposed midriffs and cleavage windows.) I’m also impressed by the way her flowing red hair is braided to resemble a snake. That can’t be an easy look to pull off. To steal a line from Paul Rudd, I wonder if the carpets match the pubes. C. Viper is hard to read, but that just makes her more alluring. C. Viper herself put it best when she said, “Secrets are what make us irresistible to men, don’t you think?”

A black mage with a no-nonsense attitude, Lulu keeps her emotions to herself and seldom smiles. She takes herself too seriously and acts like an ice queen at first, but she’s a lot more sensitive than her hardened exterior would suggest. Her life is marred by tragedy, but she continues to move forward and never stops building meaningful relationships. Lulu is a ravishing woman, and her fur-trimmed corset and impossibly-low neckline do a fantastic job of advertising her goods. She inexplicably ends up hooking up with someone way below her league, but there’s certainly nothing wrong with being a hot girl with low standards. Her husband lets himself go and starts packing on the pounds, but Lulu’s body is so remarkable that she shows no physical signs of being pregnant even nine months in.

Sophitia is an honorable woman and a courageous warrior who should be commended for her selflessness and steadfast devotion to her family. She has grown considerably since her first appearance in Soul Edge. When we were first introduced to her, she was a regular teenage girl working in her family’s bakery. She didn’t become a mother until SoulCalibur II, but she seemed to get hotter with age. If nothing else, I think we can all appreciate how her breasts got larger with each new entry in the series. If based solely on beauty, Sophitia would probably have earned the top spot on this list. The picture of elegance and grace, Sophitia carries herself like a goddess. She’s marriage material through and through, but that’s not what this list is about. Ultimately, Sophitia is too tasteful and reserved to be named the hottest MILF in gaming.

Moxxi’s outlandish makeup and eccentric outfits might seem bizarre, but they’re a perfect fit for her oddball personality. She looks like a cross between Harley Quinn and the Mad Hatter, and she’s every bit as demented. The sadistic trollop loves to blur the lines between pleasure and pain, and she has no modesty when it comes to her sexuality. She speaks in a seductive tone and relies heavily on innuendo, and she’s almost certainly the most experienced woman on this list. She’s already been through three husbands and has had countless flings from both men and women. If Mad Moxxi were any more promiscuous, she’d need another x in her name. She’s lustful, alluring, and downright kinky. I’m much too polite to describe her as an outright slut, but Moxxi would have no qualms in describing herself in such a manner.