Too Big for Their Breeches

Zhang He describes himself as the “champion of magnificence” and aims to shower the battlefield with elegance and grace. He always dresses to impress and is obsessed with beauty to the point that he wants his battle formations and fighting style to be beautiful too. Despite being a skilled strategist in his own right, Zhang He spends an inordinate amount of time working on his glamorous dance routines and recruiting members into his troupe. His obsession is unhealthy and his vanity is off the charts, but there are a few reasons why he isn’t ranked higher on this list. Zhang He legitimately cares for his comrades and will genuinely compliment them in certain situations. He’s even capable of falling in love (providing he finds someone who is beautiful enough) so he’s not completely narcissistic.

Falco is Fox McCloud’s second-in-command, but he has an obvious superiority complex. He doesn’t get in the way as often as the other StarFox members do, but at least Slippy and Peppy are grateful when you save their lives. If you rescue Falco, he’ll whine, “Gee, I’ve been saved by Fox. How swell.” When Falco flies in the line of fire, he’ll turn the sarcasm up to 11 and yell, “Hey, Einstein, I’m on your side!” Sometimes, the guy even gives you ‘tude for shooting down enemies, and will implore you to “Go find your own target.” Falco easily ranks among the most cocky, overbearing, and self-important video game characters of all time. He has left the StarFox team on multiple occasions because of his ego. He’s a talented pilot, but he doesn’t play well with others and has too much pride to accept responsibility for his own mistakes.

Pokey has a lot in common with that obnoxious kid that used to live in your neighborhood. The major difference, of course, is that your neighbor probably didn’t send a bunch of cult members to assault you. He probably didn’t steal a helicopter or attack you with a giant spider-like machine either. I seriously doubt you know anyone who aligned themselves with an evil alien race that was determined to destroy the earth. Certainly, your neighbor never used time travel to escape to another era where he declared himself ruler of the planet. Regardless of how annoying the kids in your neighborhood may have been, Pokey is more selfish than anyone you’ve ever met in real life. You have to be pretty full of yourself in order to manipulate time for the purpose of creating an alternate universe where you are idolized.

Narcissism is a common trait among villains in the Mario universe, but it’s most apparent with Fawful. His ego is palpable from the moment he starts speaking. He refers to himself exclusively in the third-person and has nothing but good things to say about himself. There’s nothing wrong with believing in yourself, but Fawful goes overboard by erecting statues of himself and hosting television shows that are entirely about him. He creates an army in his likeness, makes robotic minions that look like he does, and even creates Fawful merchandise. Fawful’s narcissism borders on the verge of insanity and he desperately wants the entire world to view him like he views himself. Despite his best efforts to act like an evil genius, it’s hard to hate the guy. He’s arguably the most entertaining villain that Mario and Luigi have ever faced.

Kuja’s role in Final Fantasy IX becomes more pronounced as the game unfolds, but his motivation remains the same. For Kuja, everything is about him. Despite his best efforts to seem sophisticated and intelligent, his short temper serves as a constant reminder of his selfish and narcissistic ways. He dresses in revealing clothing to accentuate his physical appearance, and his ego makes it impossible for him to get along with anyone. He mocks his enemies, manipulates his friends, and betrays his partners on many occasions. Kuja initially aims to gain power, but he loses his composure after he discovers that he has a limited lifespan. At this point, he decides to destroy the entire planet! Kuja thinks so highly of himself that he refuses to let the world exist if he can’t be a part of it. That’s pretty extreme.

Etna is a manipulative bitch who mocks authority and destroys convention. She acts like the entire world revolves around her and has no regard for the safety of others. At one point, she sends a thousand of her underlings to their deaths just so they can get her some snacks. Later, she sends another army into battle to locate misplaced underwear. Like many narcissists, Etna wrestles with insecurity and will flip out if anyone insults her appearance. She’s so concerned about her image that she breaks the fourth wall for the sake of image crafting. At one point in Disgaea 2, Etna actually checks the status screen to verify her title. After confirming that she’s listed as “Beauty Queen” rather than “Demon Lord,” she explains that she hacked her profile years prior. How vain do you have to be to change your own status screen?

The global beauty industry is poised to rake in $265 billion in 2017, so the fact that Florent L’Belle uses perfumes and hair dyes is not especially unusual. What makes L’Belle’s case unique is the fact that he created his own line of cosmetics. Moreover, he single-handedly uses enough of his beauty products to damage the stratosphere! He fancies himself as a genius entrepreneur, but he is so narcissistic that he refuses to let anyone else use his products even though they’re in high demand. He still wants to make sure everyone is aware of his beauty, so he spends considerable resources advertising products that he has no intention of selling. His refusal to let anyone else use his products ultimately puts L’Belle on the verge of bankruptcy and forces him to find other ways to make money.

In an effort to jumpstart his struggling acting career, Johnny Cage did what most actors do: He entered a fighting tournament and competed against ancient gods and warriors in order to prove himself to the public. By putting his martial arts skills on display and his life on the line, Johnny Cage hoped to silence skeptical critics who believed his “tough guy” reputation had been completely fabricated by Hollywood. His ego is so out of control that he got his own name tattooed across his chest, and he fights with his sunglasses on like he’s fuckin’ Corey Hart or something. Despite his selfish and materialistic ways, Johnny Cage is also known for his bravery and loyalty. His initial motivations for entering the Mortal Kombat tournament were vain, but Johnny Cage eventually becomes one of the most important defenders of the Earthrealm.

GLaDOS is widely regarded as one of the funniest characters in video game history, but she’s also a pathological liar, an egomaniac, and a megalomaniac. Her excessive sarcasm is really just a symptom of her narcissism. Her self-centered desire to toy with someone is clear from the very beginning, and she becomes completely unhinged when players become skilled enough to break free from her test experiments. GLaDOS obviously wants to feel superior to others and feels threatened by those who are able to empower themselves. She’s famous for her passive-aggressive insults and happily wages psychological warfare on others, but she is flabbergasted whenever someone tries to turn the tables. Although GLaDOS goes to great lengths to kill the player, she can’t comprehend why someone would ever want to do the same to her.

Wearing a mask to protect your face in street fighting competitions isn’t without logic, but it’s remarkably out of place in a series where other fighters walk around with eye patches, giant scars, and tattered clothing. Vega views himself as impossibly beautiful and holds great disdain for anyone who he considers to be ugly. He’s a skilled fighter with graceful techniques, but he also wields a giant claw and derives pleasure by inflicting pain. He was born into nobility and can come across as sophisticated and elegant at times, but he’s incredibly sadistic underneath his gentlemanly exterior. Vega’s confidence in his abilities is not entirely unwarranted, but his ego is out of control and he lacks anything resembling empathy. Unless you’re a hot chick like Chun-Li or Cammy, there’s a pretty good chance that Vega will hate you.