Pretty in Pink

Sara Valestein is a combat instructor at a military academy, but her laidback approach to teaching causes her to clash with students and faculty alike. Although she’s not a conventional military type, she’s still a deadly fighter who commands respect on the battlefield. Her moments of refinement are fleeting, however, as her personality changes as soon as she gets some alcohol into her system. She’s often seen drinking in the early afternoon, and she basically carries herself like a drunken sorority sister. In other words, she’s way cooler than any of my teachers ever were. Sara is described as being “more than a little slovenly,” but I like the idea of an unkempt officer who’s brazen enough to come to work in thigh-high boots and a cocktail dress. She’s the kind of girl who lives by her own rules, and I admire her independent streak.

After she was orphaned at a young age, Claire Farron adopted the pseudonym “Lightning” to reflect her desire to become a stronger and more confident person. Her stoic personality was a great fit for the Guardian Corps, and she quickly rose through the ranks before abandoning her post to rescue her younger sister during a purge. She’s not outwardly affectionate and she lacks social grace, but she eventually learns to show compassion. We follow her adventure over the course of three games, so she’s given ample time to evolve as a character. Rest assured, she becomes more and more likeable as her story unfolds. You might even grow to appreciate her bitchy face and standoffish mannerisms. She carries herself like a fashion model, and I understand why she was used to advertise Prada and Louis Vuitton in the real-world.

In the wake of an apparent alien invasion, Space Channel 5 sends in a charismatic reporter named Ulala to get the scoop. She ends up rescuing hostages and clashing with rival reporters during her investigation, and she’s also expected to dance in order to keep her ratings up. Even in the midst of an alien hostage crisis, Ulala’s sexy dance moves are the only thing that keeps her channel on the air. She’d definitely have me glued to the screen! I don’t know if it’s the go-go boots, the pink hair, or the catchy soundtrack, but there’s something hypnotic about the way she swings her hips in time with the music. The girl wouldn’t look out of place in the background of a groovy Austin Powers vignette, and her 1960s-inspired outfits fit nicely with the game’s psychedelic depiction of outer space.

Cheria Barnes is easily the most cheerful and optimistic girl on this list. Although she lost both her parents as a child and struggled with illness, she somehow kept a positive outlook on life. She’s surprisingly feisty for someone with physical limitations, and she’ll run directly into danger in order to help her friends. She also finds ways to contribute that don’t involve fighting. Cheria is the most proficient healer in her party, for instance, and she does the majority of the cooking. She had worked as a servant before leaving home, and her experience comes in handy. Cheria has “marriage material” written all over her, so it’s not surprising that she gets a fairy tale ending. One of her friends jokingly describes her lilac miniskirt is “affront to basic public decency,” but it obviously gets the job done.

Seraphina was born into wealth and destined to live in the lap of luxury, but she ran away from home to protest an arranged marriage. Her father set her up with a cruel demon lord for some reason, so she takes it upon herself to assassinate her would-be husband. Unfortunately, she has no battle experience and is too self-centered to realize that she’s in over her head. Although she’s able to charm (almost) any man with her gaze, she has a tendency to overestimate her appeal. As the Princess Overlord of Gorgeous, Seraphina is under the impression that her male party members are her love slaves. She often demands that men kneel before her and she insists that they are destined to “dance in the palm of her hand.” You can draw your own conclusions as to what she means by that, but it sounds like she’s fixing to make a mess.

Olivia is a walking contradiction. She’s extremely introverted and doesn’t like being leered at. At the same time, she makes a living by performing sensual dances in front of the public. She can barely hold a conversation without blushing, but she has swarms of admires around the world. The introverted caravan dancer is a different person when she’s on stage, and she throws away her inhibitions. She’s too embarrassed to wear a swimsuit in her daily life, but she has no qualms in wearing assless parachute pants when she’s performing for her adorning fans. Olivia is a master of her craft, and she even uses dance moves on the battlefield! She’s actually a capable fighter, despite her aversion to violence. She’ll apologize profusely after killing an enemy, but that’s the kind of cognitive dissonance you’d expect from a bashful enchantress.

I wasn’t sure if I should include Alisa Bosconovitch on this list. Although she looks like a regular teenage girl, she’s actually an android who was built by a lonely Russian scientist. Ultimately, I decided that artificial humans were fair game since everyone else on this countdown is technically a fictional character anyway. Also, I know I’m not the only one who would love their very own sex bot. In all seriousness, Alisa possesses real emotions and acts more like a human than a robot. This doesn’t mean she fights like a human, however. The steel maiden has everything from chainsaws to rocket thrusters built into her mechanical frame, and she can even sprout wings from her back. (Things get really weird when her head comes off!) She’s a small wonder, and it makes me question what else she’s capable of doing with her body.

THE IDOLM@STER started as a 2005 arcade game, and it was followed by numerous sequels and spinoffs on various platforms. The games primarily focus on aspiring pop idols who are on their way to stardom. As a producer at a talent agency, it’s your job to manage their careers, arrange their schedules, and offer advice during auditions and performances. Japan’s idol industry requires a revolving door of talent, and THE IDOLM@STER has introduced us to hundreds of young girls. Mika Jougasaki stands out from the rest because she’s already achieved success in the industry. She mostly acts as a role model to her younger sister and the other prospective idols. Mika’s old enough to know that she’s being watched by “perverted eyes,” so she goes out of her way to show as much skin as possible without causing a media circus.

Tecmo was on the verge of bankruptcy in 1996, and their one shot at survival was the aptly-titled Dead or Alive. The ambitious fighting game implemented an innovative countering system and put more emphasis on speed, but the biggest selling point was its revolutionary use of jiggle physics. In the end, Tecmo was saved by a roster of teenage girls with big jugs. Honoka didn’t make her debut until Dead or Alive 5: Last Round in 2015, but she became an instant fan-favorite because of her huge cow tits. She shattered a franchise breast size record that had stood for nearly two decades, and her 39″ bustline is even more impressive when you realize that she’s only 4’11”! Honoka is the most voluptuous DOA girl, and she’s one of the most overt examples of a “short stack” in the entire gaming world.

Final Fight had a colorful cast of characters, but none were more electric than Poison. Her bright pink hair was impossible to ignore, and it was a reflection of her brazen personality. The former gang member has been surrounded by controversy since her inception, and her gender has been the subject of much debate. While some are intrigued by the ambiguity, Poison is all woman as far as I’m concerned. I’m drawn in by her lusty legs, her amazing rack, and her impossibly thin waist. She’s also got a great eye for fashion, and I love how her trademark denim cutoffs leave most of her ass exposed. Although she’s associated with the Street Fighter series, she dresses more like a street walker. Poison’s outfits are downright trashy, but they guarantee that she’ll always be the center of attention.