Ridiculous Weapons

I didn’t think it was possible, but the Bubble Gun from Earthworm Jim 2 might actually be more useless than the Klobb from GoldenEye 007. The gun (if it can even be called that) could potentially entertain small children, but it’s completely useless as a weapon since its bubbles don’t damage enemies in any way. It would be pretty difficult to hit anyone in the first place, seeing as how the bubbles float off into the sky instead of moving forward. The gun should generally be avoided at all costs, and it’s especially detrimental during the final stage. The only reason the Bubble Gun isn’t ranked higher is because it technically does what it was intended to do. The weapon is supposed to be useless, so the fact that it is useless makes it the most reliable gun in Earthworm Jim’s arsenal.

There were two downloadable weapons available in the Dreamcast version of Skies of Arcadia, and both would have been well-suited for this list. Although the smelly Tuna Cutlass is ridiculous in its own right, it’s not as uncommon as you’d imagine. Other games – including Phantasy Star Online 2 and Monster Hunter – also feature improvised tuna swords. Aika’s Swirlmerang, in contrast, still feels distinctive after all these years. Although it looks like a giant lollipop with a Dreamcast logo on it, the Swilmerang functions like a boomerang. It doesn’t make a lot of sense, but that’s because it’s not supposed to. In fact, the weapon is guaranteed to inflict confusion on almost every enemy in the game! It’s just too bad about the name. Swirlmerang sounds like a really nasty STD.

There are many perilous weapons in Samurai Warriors, including demonic swords, pointed spears, spiked maces, bladed boots, and countless others I can’t pronounce. Nearly every warrior has their own trademark weapon, but Oichi looks out of place on the battlefield with her kendama in hand. For the uninitiated, kendama are Japanese variants of the classic cup-and-ball toy. Instruments of death didn’t jive with Oichi’s kawaii design, so she was given a child’s plaything instead of a proper weapon. The kendama are supposed to reflect her childish charm, but they make her look like a fish out of water. By the time Samurai Warriors 3 rolled around, Oichi had transformed from a puerile teenager into a headstrong heroine. To mark her growth and maturity, she traded in her cup-and-ball for a hula hoop.

The Atomic Toaster is Doctor Fluke Hawkins’ trademark weapon in MDK2. When it first comes into his possession, it’s just a normal, everyday household appliance. The eccentric scientist can even use it to make toast if he has a loaf of bread handy! After the toaster is submerged into a vat of plutonium, it’s imbued with atomic powers. When used in conjunction with the Atomic Toaster, ordinary bread can be turned into exploding toast. The Atomic Toaster can also be loaded with baguettes to create improvised homing missiles, and it can even transform loaves of pumpernickel into makeshift grenades. It’s not the most accurate weapon, but it makes up for it with sheer power. Unfortunately, it loses its ability to make regular toast after it’s upgraded. Sometimes, you have to take a step back in order to move forward.

Silly weapons are the bread and butter of the Dead Rising series. As players struggle to survive massive zombie outbreaks, nearly everything they come across can be used as a weapon. The usual arsenal of shotguns and chainsaws obviously come into play, but players can also use construction tools, sporting goods, children’s toys, furniture, and electronic devices to keep the zombies at bay. Everything from poker chips to mayonnaise can be weaponized, and players can even combine items to create their own custom weapons. By combining an animatronic teddy bear with a light machine gun, players can create a robotic ally who looks like the bastard son of Rambo and Teddy Ruxpin. Freedom Bear might look cute and cuddly, but his sentry gun is anything but.

The Worms games revolve around platoons of worms that battle each other with a varied arsenal of weapons. While the concept of worm-based warfare is ridiculous by default, most of the weapons they use are completely logical. They arm themselves with bazookas, shotguns, grenades, dynamite, mines, mortars, and other weapons you’d expect to see in an actual war zone. That being said, the sheep are completely nonsensical. Once deployed, they will bounce across the landscape until the player detonates them remotely. Don’t be fooled by their fluffy exterior; the sheep are more explosive than dynamite! The franchise is no stranger to silly weapons, but the exploding sheep started the trend. With appearances in almost every Worms game to date, the sheep are arguably the most iconic weapon in the series.

The Land Shark Gun is an aptly-named weapon that fires out infant sharks that swim through the ground and devour everything in their path. These sharks reach maturity within seconds, and they erupt from the ground with slapstick ferocity. It’s a ridiculous weapon if ever there was one, and the only reason why it’s not ranked higher on this list is because Armed and Dangerous desensitizes players to nonsensical ideas. The Land Shark Gun is prominently featured on the game’s cover, so everyone knows what to expect going in. Armed and Dangerous is essentially a parody of other third-person shooters, and many of the game’s weapons are intentionally absurd. In a game that lets you keep the World’s Smallest Black Hole™ in your back pocket, it’s easy to overlook preposterous guns.

The Ratchet & Clank series has always been known for its zany gadgets, but the Groovitron is an especially ludicrous example. The weapon is basically a floating disco ball that forces people to dance uncontrollably. (Who isn’t mesmerized by disco music and flashing lights?) Enemies are defenseless when they are dancing, so players can escape from tricky situations by deploying the Groovitron in a strategic manner. Although it’s primarily used to distract enemies, some variations of the Groovitron will explode after they expire. The developers at Insomniac went to great lengths to include the Groovitron, and they had to make dancing animations for nearly every enemy in the game! Their hard work paid off, and the ridiculous disco ball is now considered one of the franchise’s most iconic weapons.

As if a four-foot long dildo wasn’t absurd enough already, Saints Row: The Third took the concept to ridiculous extremes by turning it into a weapon. Although it was presumably created as an instrument of pleasure, the Penetrator functions like a veritable baseball bat. I’m not sure if beating gang members to submission with a floppy dildo would boost your street cred in real life, but it would probably be humiliating to be pummeled by the purple monstrosity. Nobody wants to be on the receiving end of the Penetrator, and some people felt uncomfortable using the weapon at all. Some critics saw the weapon as a symbol of female degradation, and the realistic veins were removed for the Japanese release. Whether its used as a sex toy or as a melee weapon, the Penetrator is not for the feint of heart.

Mr. Toots is a small unicorn that shoots rainbows out of his butt. He looks completely harmless when he’s being carried around, but all bets are up when his tail is raised. The aforementioned rainbow blasts might look harmless, but they are highly accurate and extremely destructive. The fact that he has unlimited ammunition makes him even more dangerous. The poor souls who are unfortunate enough to be caught in the blast radius will often explode in elaborate displays of rainbows and butterflies. I suppose their are worse ways to die, but it would be pretty strange to read an obituary that references colorful unicorn farts. If his facial expressions are any indication, Mr. Toots doesn’t particularly enjoy shooting magic and wonder out of his ass. This only makes the scenario seem even more ridiculous.