Talking Shit

During the development of Yooka-Laylee, YouTube personality Jon “JonTron” Jafari was invited to lend his voice to the game. Mere weeks before the game’s release, a hateful mob launched a sanctimonious witch hunt and demanded that Jon be removed from the project because of his political leanings. Playtonic Games could have simply stated that Mr. Jafari’s personal opinions did not reflect their own, but they decided to jump into the dumpster fire of identity politics. Before being patched out of the game, Jon’s voice was used for a dude who was trapped in an outhouse. He was never shown on screen, he spoke only in grunts, and his dialogue (if it could even be called that) was drowned out by the sounds of farts. That, ladies and gentlemen, was the hill that Playtonic Games chose to die on. What a shit show.

There is a surprisingly large number of sentient poop creatures in The Binding of Isaac. Dingle is a cheerful pile of poop who hangs around in basements and cellars, Dangle is an evolved version of Dingle that’s covered with corn, and the Turdlings are rambunctious little stinkers with powerful fart attacks. I’m recognizing Brownie because he’s the biggest piece of shit in the entire game. Not only does he spawn poop landmines and corn-based mooks, but he also leaves streaks of brown liquid behind him every time he moves. Yuck! Brownie and his kin would seem completely outrageous in (almost) any other game, but The Binding of Isaac blurs the lines between humor and repulsion. A cartoony ball of poop wouldn’t even make the list of most disgusting things in the game. He’s still pretty gross, though.

Elusive pooping deer can be found in various locations throughout Castle Crashers. There’s nothing remotely special about animals that shit all over the place, but the pooping deer are forces of nature. They poop with enough intensity to propel themselves forward like rockets! Let’s see Bambi do that! The deer have no offensive abilities to speak of, but if you jump on their back they can carry you to safety. By land, sea, or air, there is no environment where pooping deer aren’t helpful. It would be easy to write them off as vile and disgusting creatures, but they have a majestic quality that can’t be overlooked. At one point, a pooping deer’s unmistakable silhouette can be seen passing in front of a full moon like it was E.T. or something. Never before has explosive diarrhea seemed so dignified.

??? is a recurring character in the Zelda series that’s based on Japanese ghost stories about hands emerging from toilets and grabbing people while they’re vulnerable. That’s some creepy shit! We catch glimpses of the unnamed character in Majora’s Mask and Oracle of Ages, but we never get a face to go with the arm. In both appearances, ??? is inside a toilet and in desperate need of paper for some unknown reason. I hate to sound pessimistic, but if you’re already hanging out in a toilet, you’re well past the point where paper is going to do anything. ??? needs to forget about the paper and find itself a shower! A similar character named Phonei could be found haunting the Knight Academy in Skyward Sword. If I was Link, I’d be weary of ever using a toilet again.

When Banjo and Kazooie needed to enter a septic tank to obtain a golden puzzle piece, they turned to a talking toilet named Loggo for help. The bird and bear were too big to fit into Loggo’s pipes, however, so they did the logical thing and had a shaman transform them into a pumpkin. Many of the characters in Banjo-Kazooie are inanimate objects with googly eyes slapped on, but Loggo is more significant than most. He could be found in a haunted mansion in the first Banjo-Kazooie, but he was moved to a factory in the sequel. Loggo has a thankless job, but he finally got his due in Banjo-Kazooie: Nuts & Bolts. In this outing, a giant replica of Loggo was featured as an exhibit in Banjo Land. Loggo’s purpose in life was to eat shit, but someone thought he was important enough to display in a theme park.

Poo Snakes are peculiar monsters created from parasites that are found in the excrement of lizards. The coiled-up creatures could be compared to the iconic slimes from Dragon Quest, and they come in a dozen variants. Standard Poo Snakes are exceptionally weak, but they will merge into a Jumbo Poo Snake if enough of them gather together. A few of them even grow to giant sizes on their own, and King Poo Snake is the toughest enemy in the entire game! I was as surprised as anyone to learn that Poo Snakes had established a monarchy, but I guess they’re more sophisticated than they look. Whether they’re wearing rubber boots or adorned with crowns, Poo Snakes are the most memorable monsters in Blue Dragon. They’re even useful in death, as their hardened bodies can be used as shells for hermit crabs.

Sukamon are Mutant Digimon born from data that accumulates in the recycle bins of computer desktops. The repulsive creatures lack intelligence, but you don’t need to be smart to attack your opponents with poop. Sukamon like the dark, so they congregate in the sewers and hang out in places like Trash Mountain. Although they’re not especially well-liked by most Digimon, they are often accompanied by small, rat-like Digimon called Chuumon. Chuumon are cowardly creatures who run away at the first sign of danger, but they know how to coax Sukamon into performing bad deeds on their behalf. That being said, Chuumon are occasionally forced to fight whether they want to or not. When Sukamon isn’t too busy throwing his poop, he occasionally uses Chuumon as a makeshift projectile! That’s a shitty thing to do to a friend.

Belphegor is an insolent demon who presides over the deadly sin of sloth. Many demons in the Megami Tensei universe are linked with royalty, but Belphegor sits on a porcelain throne. He remains seated after he’s summoned, and I can only assume that he’s too lazy to stand up. (Either that, or he needs more fiber in his diet.) Belphegor is deceptively powerful, but he also has a knack for invention and discovery. A lot of people get their best ideas when they’re on the john, and demons are apparently no different in this regard. As a governor of sloth, Belphegor peddles get-rich-quick schemes in a bid to inspire laziness. When he’s not busy scheming, he deals with his enemies in other ways. No one looks dangerous when they’re on a toilet, but Belphegor has left horrible trails of victims in his wake.

Toilet Kids is an unusual shoot ’em up in the vein of Xevious that was released exclusively in Japan. The story begins when a young boy wakes up in the middle of the night to use the restroom. After sitting down on a toilet, he’s transported into an alternate universe where everything has gone to shit. From the safety of a toilet-shaped ship, the kid battles armies of disgusting enemies. Some enemies throw their poop while other enemies are made out of poop. The Great King Unpy serves as the game’s final boss and is presumably in charge of the entire poop troop. His castles look like shit, his turban looks like shit, he has a shitty emblem on his necklace, and he uses explosive piles of shit as makeshift grenades. As a reward for defeating the revolting king, players are rewarded with toilet paper and clean underwear.

Conker’s Bad Fur Day was famed for its scatalogical humor, and the Great Mighty Poo took this concept to its logical extreme. He’s a claggy pile of feces, he lives in Poo Mountain, and he acts as the boss of the aptly-named Sloprano chapter. I guess there’s no room for subtlety when it comes to opera-singing poop monsters. When he’s confronted by Conker, the Great Mighty Poo breaks out into song and starts throwing fecal matter with reckless abandon. Appropriately enough, his only weakness is toilet paper. When he’s defeated, he’s flushed away in dramatic fashion. (I’m not sure why he had an oversized pull chain flusher installed in his lair, but I digress.) By now, talking piles of poop have likely started to seem dull and uninteresting. Singing piles of poop, on the other hand, are a rare breed, indeed.