No Laughing Matter

Dante is like an ’80s action hero in the sense that he has a one liner for nearly any situation. The biggest difference is that Dante is a little more cynical than most heroes, and his sense of humor is somewhat darker. Dante’s physical appearance makes him stand out (his distinct silver hair is especially noteworthy), but it’s ultimately his quick wit that defines him as a character. Dante may have been rated higher on this list if not for the fact that Capcom has a habit of completely changing his character. For reasons which have never been adequately explained, Dante’s cocky attitude was largely absent from Devil May Cry 2 and he seemed bland and boring by comparison. In the 2013 reboot of Devil May Cry, Dante was given a complete makeover and came across as an angsty teen rather than a calm and collected demon hunter.

We have been introduced to many different versions of Princess Zelda over the years. The personalities of Link and Ganon remain largely unchanged from one timeline to the next, but Zelda is radically different depending on the game she’s in. In some of her quests, she takes a passive role and simply waits to be rescued. Other versions of Zelda are more assertive and take their destinies into their own hands. There is nothing inherently wrong with either archetype, but my personal appreciation of Zelda is directly proportional to how sassy she is. As a fearless leader of a notorious pirate gang, Tetra is the most self-assured and pushy of Zelda’s many incarnations. She describes Link as a helpless kid, makes snide comments about Ganondorf, and basically does what she wants when she wants. I guess that’s kind of what pirates do.

Jak is your typical strong and silent hero, and Daxter is his sarcastic best friend who provides comic relief. It’s a formula that has been used countless times, but it’s a formula that works. Daxter’s ego is enormous and nobody is safe from his insults, but he’s fully aware of how absurd he is and frequently points out that he’s not wearing any pants. His commentary can be irritating at times, but his role becomes increasingly important as the series progresses since Jak becomes brooding and unbearable. Daxter walks the line between funny and annoying, but he keeps things lighthearted and fun while Jak goes to a darker place. Daxter has a level of smarm typically reserved for characters in Dreamworks cartoons, but he was popular enough to warrant his own game. If nothing else, Daxter’s obnoxious comedy is’t nearly as lame as Jak’s goatee.

Katarina is a spicy Brazilian who was introduced in Tekken 7. Her oversized Audrey Hepburn sunglasses and stylish stilettos might give her the appearance of a fashion model, but she’s actually a formidable martial artist who specializes in a form of French footfighting known as savate. It’s hard to mock her high heel shoes if your ass is being repeatedly kicked by them. Katarina is not being mentioned here because she kicks ass. Rather, she’s being mentioned because she’s a smartass who sees fit to openly make fun of her opponents. Nearly 100 different fighters have been featured in the Tekken series thus far, but none are more adept to trash talking than Katarina. The series is no stranger to brash personalities and insulting victory quotes, but it’s unusual for a character to be so sassy-mouthed and vocal during fights.

Kazooie spends most of her time living rent-free in Banjo’s backpack, but you know you’re in for a show whenever she pokes her head out. She spends an inordinate amount of time jabbering back and forth with friends and foes alike, and she’s never short on insults. Banjo and Kazooie work well as a team because their abilities are so different from one another. Their personalities are similarly diverse, and Kazooie’s bold commentary compliments Banjo’s easygoing nature. Banjo is far too nice to speak negatively about anyone, but Kazooie enjoys berating others and takes pride in pointing out the absurdity of any scenario she’s place into. Her deadpan delivery allows many of her insults to go unnoticed, and this only adds to her charm. Banjo has a more visible role in the series, but Kazooie is much more entertaining than her dim-witted friend.

Bayonetta is a wisecracking witch who arms herself with guns, swords, whips, and a myriad of other weapons. She’s also known to incorporate magic spells, familiars, and various torture devices into her attacks. She’s not light on options when it comes to defending herself, but Bayonetta’s sharp tongue can be every bit as dangerous as her weapons. It’s safe to say that she has sadomasochistic tendencies, and she obviously derives great pleasure from humiliating others with cheeky comments. Her sadistic sense of humor is apparent when she openly mocks her demonic foes. Regardless of how dangerous her enemies are, Bayonetta enjoys teasing them with her skin-tight outfits and taunting them with double entendres. She never misses an opportunity to be naughty and views her rivals as mere playmates.

In many ways, GLaDOS comes across as a more sinister and witty version of HAL-9000 from Arthur C. Clarke’s Space Odyssey series. She initially acts as a narrator and serves only to guide players through test chambers. As the events of Portal unfold, it’s eventually revealed that GLaDOS is actively leading players to their deaths. Her language becomes increasingly passive-aggressive over time and the insults begin to fly. She makes fun of your jumpsuit, repeatedly tells you that you smell like garbage, and even goes so far as to suggest that “your birth mother’s decision to abandon you on a doorstep” was validated by science. She’s so sarcastic that even her compliments feel like insults. Her character evolves during the course of the first Portal game, but she’s sassy from the get-go in the sequel and even more hilarious.

Jade Curtiss is a doctor, a Colonel, and an exceptional wielder of magic spells. Anyone who has played Tales of the Abyss will likely recognize him as the king of snark. Jade loves to tease his companions and has a snide remark ready for every scenario. Regardless of how serious a situation is, he can always be counted on to act like a smartass. His sarcasm sometimes extends to the point of cruelty, but he’s highly respected and his harsh words are not entirely unfounded. It can be difficult to gauge his personality since it’s hidden behind an impish façade, but this makes him seem more enigmatic and interesting. Jade is one of the best reasons to play Tales of the Abyss, and most gamers will find themselves looking forward to his commentary any time a new character or plot twist is introduced.

Viridi is an immortal goddess, but she has the appearance of an eight-year-old child and the personality to match. If I was being nice, I might describe her as volatile, immature, hypocritical, and bossy. It might be more accurate to simply describe her as a colossal bitch. She’s easily annoyed and quick to anger, but I’d be lying if I said her dry wit and sarcastic dialogue wasn’t endearing in its own way. Kid Icarus: Uprising is famous for its playful banter, but Viridi has the best one-liners in the entire game and always has quips at the ready. She’s dismissive of her enemies, but she also finds her own friends insufferable and will never miss an opportunity to insult them. Viridi butts heads with pretty much everyone she meets (including those that she secretly likes), but you have to admire her for always speaking her mind.

She doesn’t wear a lot of clothes, but Etna has worn many hats over the years. In various games, she’s acted as the sidekick, the hero, and even the final boss. Regardless of her role, Etna always steals the show with her sarcastic sense of humor and brazen “don’t give a fuck” attitude. In the first Disgaea, she was an assistant to a demonic overlord, but her snide remarks made it clear that she would have no qualms in killing him and taking over as the star of the game. Her harsh treatment of her superiors is nothing compared to how poorly she treats her underlings. She has an entire army of penguin-like minions at her command, but she berates them at every turn and basically uses them as cannon fodder. Etna’s egotistical, manipulative, and condescending, but she’s also downright hilarious and endlessly entertaining.