Along Came a Spider

Of all the horrors you encounter in the first Resident Evil, the web spinners pose the most plausible threat. You (probably) won’t encounter flesh-eating zombies or half-dead Dobermans in the real world, but spiders would be a legitimate point of concern in any 1920s mansion. The genetically-altered arachnids were intended to be used as bioweapons, but they were too difficult to control. While most of the specimens were destroyed, a larger mutant named Black Tiger survived and made a nest in the tunnels below the courtyard. She’s not as menacing as she looks, but the overgrown spider still has several ways to pin down its next meal. She holds a large quantity of venom in her abdomen, for instance, and she can easily ensnare its prey in webs. She can also climb up walls and unleash garrisons of spiderlings if the situation calls for it.

Gohma is a recurring boss in the Zelda series that’s often mistaken for a spider. It would be more accurate to describe her as a giant enemy crab, however. (Attack the weak point for massive damage!) Queen Gohma from Ocarina of Time is surrounded by cobwebs and explicitly referred to as an arachnid, but it’s debatable if she can be called a spider either since she only has six legs. There is no ambiguity in the case of Armogohma. After all, the eight-legged freak is plainly described as a “big spider.” The so-called “Twilit Arachnid” spends most of her time crawling around on the ceiling and laying eggs, but she’s easy to deal with after you break through her armored exoskeleton. Bombs, arrows, and sword attacks can be effective against the monstrous spider, and she can also be crushed under the weight of nearby statues.

Nestled against the desolate backdrop of Brightstone Cove, Duke Tseldora’s favorite pet serves as the Keeper of the Writhing Ruin. To that end, the monstrous spider attacks with piercing legs, acidic venom, and deadly fangs. When she’s not stomping her enemies into the ground or ensnaring them in webs, the Duke’s Dear Freja is likely honing in on them with frickin’ laser beams! She’s remarkably durable, and her sturdy shell is highly resistant to physical damage. Her only weak points are her heads. (That’s right, the abomination actually has two heads!) Freja can be staggered for a few seconds if you cut off one of her heads, but this is easier said than done since smaller spiders are constantly spawning around her. The parasitic spiders overran the cove and destroyed an entire town, so they can make quick work of lowly adventurers.

In Greek mythology, Arachne was a mortal woman who was transformed into a spider after besting a goddess in a weaving contest. Her story is a cautionary tale about hubris, but the SMITE version is decidedly more hostile than her mythological namesake. While the original iteration of Arachne spent most of her time weaving intricate tapestries, SMITE paints her as an apex predator who is consumed by vengeance. Her dark hatred manifests itself in various ways. Her venomous bites can deal damage over time, for example, and she can also entangle her enemies in webs. Arachne can also increase her movement speed by hanging upside down above the lane, and this vantage point gives her more ways to target her foes. She can even lay eggs and fight alongside her hatched broodlings! The gods really should have just taken the L on the weaving contest.

Cydaea is the Maiden of Lust and a consort to the Lord of Sin. As one of Azmodan’s “sin lieutenants,” she’s both beautiful and grotesque. (She’s straight-up nightmare fuel as far as I’m concerned, but there’s no accounting for taste.) She temps mortals with her sultry voice and seductively dangles from strings of silk. Her true intentions are unambiguous, however. She develops a twisted infatuation for the Nephalem, and she’s driven by a morbid desire to break their will. She derives great pleasure from tormenting others, and she likens torturous screams to beautiful music. Cydaea feasts on agony and anguish, and she attacks her prey with venomous saliva, impaling limbs, and debilitating webs. She also has an army of spiderlings at her disposal, and she even holds dominion over a flock of succubi that she views as her daughters.

Muffet is difficult to read, as she straddles the line between benevolence and treachery. Although she’s a spider monster, she speaks in a cordial manner and has altruistic goals. When you first meet her, she’s trying to raise funds for a group of stranded spiders. The items at her bake sale are wildly overpriced, however, and she has no qualms in attacking anyone who doesn’t contribute to her cause. Although she treats her patrons with courtesy and respect, Muffet is an intimidating figure when she wants to be. She even threatens to turn her enemies into food! To her credit, she actually follows through with her charitable endeavors. If her bake sale earns enough money, she’ll arrange for the stranded spiders to be transported in a heated limo! Even though she’s malicious and hypocritical, Muffet’s bake sale is more legitimate than most real-world charities.

A deadly predator who dwells in darkness, Elise was a mere mortal before she was bitten by a repulsive demigod. This heinous incident turned her into a wretched creature that can freely switch between human and spider forms. It’s hard to say which form is more lethal. As a menacing spider, she attacks with venomous bites and amasses an army of spiderlings. As a human, she entangles her enemies in silk cocoons and immobilizes them. The distinct forms compliment each other beautifully, and she has many ways to pin down and execute her prey. Elise also weaponizes her femininity, and this allows her to lure hapless victims in her web. She maintains her youth by feasting on the naïve, and few can resist her seductive charms. I somehow think I’d be okay in that regard, however. Stop trying to make fetch sexy spiders happen!

Limbo is a stylish puzzle-platformer that relies entirely on black-and-white visuals. Since there’s a deliberate absence of color, the characters and set pieces are largely defined by their silhouettes. This doesn’t make the unnamed spider any less menacing, however. If anything, the lack of detail makes the creature seem even more eerie since it allows him to blend into his surroundings. At various points, the giant arachnid impales the protagonist without notice, spins him into a cocoon, and indulges him in a brief chase sequence. The spider is a persistent threat, and it takes a lot of work to bring him down. In order to defeat the spider, the hero has to catch him in a bear trap, crush him with a boulder, tear one of his legs off, and then roll his lifeless body onto a bed of spikes. It’s almost enough to make me feel sorry for the spider.

This countdown has been dominated by vile creatures with wicked intentions, so Squitter offers a much-needed moment of levity. The loveable spider looks like a cuddly stuffed animal with his colorful fur, and his fancy sneakers are downright adorable. (I can only imagine how long it takes him to tie all of his shoes!) Squitter is one of Donkey Kong’s animal buddies, and he’s surprisingly helpful. He’s strong enough to carry the Kong crew on his back, and he can take out enemies by slinging webs from afar! He can even aim the projectiles in order to hit foes who are above or below him. The aforementioned webs can also be used as makeshift platforms if the situation calls for it, and this allows our heroes to access otherwise unreachable areas. The ability to create platforms in a platformer basically feels like a cheat code.

Phantasmaraneae was an easy choice for the top spot on this list. The demonic “Spinner of Flame” has been both an ally and enemy to Bayonetta, and the terrifying arachnid can even be summoned to battle. The reclusive monster typically hangs out in the furthest reaches of Inferno, where it nests in a bed of magma. If pressed, the phantom spider attacks with flaming webs and swarming hatchlings. In Bayonetta 3, a Phantasmaraneae assists players by lunging at enemies and paralyzing foes in its webs. It can also perform special attacks while hanging in mid-air. Best of all, the Phantasmaraneae is bound to the Ignis Araneae Yo-Yo. While using this weapon, Bayonetta sprouts spider legs and gains the ability to walk up walls. She can also swing from a web like Spider-Man! It’s the most fun she can have without taking off her clothes.