Those Who Can't

Although she puts on a good front and occasionally feigns enthusiasm, Aiko Yumi is detached from academia and feels under-qualified in her role as a college professor. She uses humor to mask her misery, but she’s basically just coasting through her career. Outside of work, Ms. Yumi is kind of a hot mess. Despite her knowledge of probability and statistics, she developed a gambling addiction and can be found at the casino almost every night. She was eventually fired for sexual misconduct with her students, but that’s to be expected when you have a propensity for thrill-seeking behavior and apathy for your job. After losing her teaching gig, Aiko found employ as a camgirl on an adult website. It sounds like a strange career change, but I guess there’s more than one way to educate others.

Opalneria Rain is a pragmatic instructor at a renowned wizarding school. She initially comes across as professional and disciplined, but she’s overly obsessive and lets passion get the best of her. She initially condemns any sort of romantic relationship between students and teachers and has the good sense to decline advancements from lovestruck students. It’s easy to see why her students would fawn over her, but her beauty is merely an illusion. Opalneria is nearly 100 years old and is only able to keep her youthful appearance through the use of a magic spell. She later casts another spell on herself in order to justify hooking up with a hormonal student. Needless to say, making herself look like a schoolgirl doesn’t make her actions any less inappropriate. Opalneria provides a lesson on what not to do.

Yuko Takao is a high school teacher who emphasizes logical thinking over rote memorization. Her students speak highly of her and feel close enough to her to visit her in the hospital when she falls ill. Ms. Takao appears to be the perfect teacher and she even saves her students from a deranged cult leader in the game’s opening act. Unfortunately, her optimistic attitude is a front for her jaded soul, and she has grown tired of how complacent everyone has become. She feels that passion has been lost in the fast pace of modernization, and notes that people no longer have a drive to compete or better themselves. In a bid to bring meaning back to the world, she throws her lot in with a cult who are complacent in all sorts of shady activities. A crippling lack of self-confidence allows her to be easily manipulated, but her heart is in the right place.

Hershel Layton is a highly regarded professor of archaeology at London’s Gressenheller University, but he’s best known for his prowess at solving mysteries. We seldom see him interacting with his students, but he acts as a mentor for a young apprentice named Luke and proves that education doesn’t have to be confined to a classroom setting. An unabashed puzzle fanatic with a knack for tackling the toughest riddles, Layton is constantly dropping pearls of wisdom. The distinguished professor is always able to provide a unique perspective, and he seems to absorb knowledge like a sponge. He can’t even organize his shelves without reading a book or two! I would have ranked Layton higher on this list, but I think he’s in the wrong field. He should have been a maverick criminal-defense attorney in the vein of Matlock.

The Rival Schools games mostly focus on high school students, but there were still several teachers from the series that were considered for this list. I ultimately decided to recognize Hideo Shimazu due to his strong sense of justice and unmatched discipline. Hideo lives a serious life free of vices like alcohol and tabacco, and he spends an inordinate amount of time mastering his own style of karate. Hideo is brainwashed into recruiting students to an insidious high school, but he eventually snaps out of it and realizes the error of his ways. To his credit, he has enough humility to learn from his students and vows to be braver in the future. The socially awkward language teacher is in his 40s and forever alone, but he’s on a endless journey of self-improvement and hasn’t lost his desire to learn. Teachers who refuse to learn chose the wrong career.

Miss Spencer is a altruistic teacher who enters a wrestling tournament in an effort to convince a wayward pupil to return to school. She was the captain of her wrestling team as a student, so she is more than capable of exerting a little discipline when necessary. Wrestling under the guise of the Taskmaster, Miss Spencer has no self-serving ambitions. Her methods are unconventional, but she values the importance of good behavior and goes to great lengths to put her students on the right path. Miss Spencer isn’t as straight-laced as she appears, however, and may choose to adopt a dominatrix heel persona known as Mistress Spencer. If her students won’t listen to her words, perhaps they’ll listen to her riding crop. I’m not sure if her attacks should be considered a punishment or a reward.

Emiri Kanou teaches Economics at Gekkoukan High School and acts as an adviser to her school’s sports clubs. She’s obviously beautiful, so it isn’t exactly surprising when a student named Kenji Tomochika becomes enamored with her. Kenji is taken aback, however, when Ms. Kanou makes the first move. Before Kenji is able to express his feelings for her, Ms. Kanou asks if he wants some “private lessons” and invites him to her house to study. It doesn’t take long for their relationship to enter the rumor mill, but the whole thing was a giant misunderstanding. As it turns out, Ms. Kanou was already involved with someone her own age and hadn’t meant to make Kenji think that his affection was reciprocated. It’s kind of refreshing to see an attractive young teacher who doesn’t want to bang her students. Good job, Ms. Kanou!

Before becoming a school teacher in the village of Iselia, Raine was a mother figure for her younger brother after they were abandoned. Every facet of her life is informed by her high level of maturity. Raine accompanies her students when they depart on an epic quest around the world, and she keeps them in line with her stern temperament. She constantly draws on her vast knowledge to correct her students and will even give them a smack if they fall out of line. The reason why she’s so hard on her students is because she knows they’re strong enough to handle it. She’s only strict so her students will grow up strong. Raine is a selfless heroine who is willing to sacrifice herself for her beliefs. Although she’s primarily known for healing magic, she will unleash devastating attacks when she needs to protect her students from harm.

Wonder-Red was recognized on this site as one of gaming’s greatest superheroes, but this list is focused on his civilian alter ego. An optimistic dreamer who truly believes that children are the future, Will Wedgewood takes employ at Blossom City Elementary School. The Wonderful 101 focuses on an organized effort to save the world from hostile aliens, but Mr. Wedgewood always puts his students first. The opening mission of the game takes place on a runaway school bus and sees Mr. Wedgewood saving his students from danger. Some teachers can’t even handle the stress of a classroom, but Mr. Wedgewood manages to keep his kids calm in the face of an alien invasion! Despite his heroics, none of his students are aware that Mr. Wedgewood and Wonder-Red are one in the same.

Quistis is a beautiful instructor at Balamb Garden who is actually younger than some of her students! She was a child prodigy who graduated early before becoming the youngest instructor in the Garden. The combination of her good looks and intelligence has made her extremely popular in certain circles, and she even has her own unofficial fan club. (Her fans are known as “Trepies” and actively cheer for her even though Quistis basically ignores them.) Her masterful use of the whip gives her a commanding presence and an aura of arbitration, but some of her students are unable to look past her youth. Quistis was demoted from her teaching position for a supposed lack of leadership skills, but she’s still a leader in my book. She once saved her students by taking out a giant robot spider with a Gatling gun!