This List Sucks!

Vacuums are relatively common in the Mega Man series. (The upgradable vacuum arm from the Mega Man Legends games can suck in items in a given room and its adjacent hallways, and it can sometimes grab items from behind closed doors!) In the end, I felt compelled to recognize Dust Man on account of the fact that he basically is a vacuum! Although he was apparently conceived as a sanitation robot, his powerful suction powers caught the attention of Dr. Wily and he was modified for combat. Dust Man can inhale garbage and debris and launch it out in several directions. Naturally, he can also pull his opponents towards him. This makes him especially dangerous, since he’s effectively invincible while his vacuum mode is activated. He’d be a formidable foe if he didn’t spend so much time jumping around in an erratic fashion.

When King Dark Demon starts forcing peaceful toys to become minions, a virtuous puppet named Headdy is captured and tossed into an incinerator. After Headdy narrowly escapes with his life, he takes it upon himself to save the puppet world. Headdy uses his detachable head as a weapon throughout his journey, and he also has the ability to swap it out for various specialized heads. The slammer head allows him to break through certain objects, the spike head lets him climb up walls, and the rocket head grants him the power of flight. There are nearly 20 heads in total, but the vacuum head has always been one of my favorites. Although Headdy is unable to attack when he has the vacuum head equipped, he can swallow up every on-screen foe with a single action. As an added bonus, it will also grab every nearby item!

Marie Korbel is a demonic maid who’s colloquially known as Bloody Marie. Keeping with the maid motif, she aims to cleanse the world of her enemies. She frequently uses her skeletal vacuum cleaner as an improvised scythe, and she can also use it to absorb corpses in order to increase her health. The vacuum has a dazed look when its attacked, so we can assume that it has a mind of its own. Marie draws obvious inspiration from Castlevania‘s Persephone, but she’s given a much bigger spotlight. While Persephone is a disposable minion with very little screen time, Marie is the main antagonist of Skullgirls and she frequently shows up as the final boss. She’s one of the most important characters in the game, and it’s oddly appropriate that a female-centric fighting game would feature a boss that’s armed with a vacuum.

Kaptain K. Rool might be a surprising entry on this countdown since you can’t even tell that he’s equipped with a vacuum. The duplicitous leader of the Kremlin Krew arms himself with an oversized flintlock pistol that incorporates elements from a blunderbuss and a gramophone. The weapon looks ridiculous, but it can fire an unlimited amount of cannon balls, barrels, and poisonous gas clouds. The gun can also be used like a vacuum, of course, and K. Rool will often try to pull his adversaries into spiked mines that he deploys. Unfortunately, the vacuum gives his enemies a way to throw the ammunition back at him. The Kaptain is basically useless if you can make his blunderbuss explode. He might have succeeded if he eased up on the vacuuming a bit, but it just goes to show you that everything is better in moderation.

Dingodile was introduced in Crash Bandicoot: Warped as one of Doctor Cortex’s animal minions. The enhanced hybrid of a dingo and a crocodile has made regular appearances in the series, and he’s usually equipped with a flamethrower. Dingodile decided to retire from villainy somewhere along the way, and he’s actually featured as a playable character in Crash Bandicoot 4. This time around, he ditched his trademark flamethrower in favor of a vacuum cannon. The powerful vacuum can be used to destroy stacks of wooden crates, and it’s also able to move barrels of TNT around. The coolest aspect about the vacuum is that it allows Dingodile to temporarily hover in the air. It can even facilitate double jumps! Although Dingodile was linked with flamethrowers for over two decades, the vacuum skills comes second-nature to him.

One of the defining aspects of the Ratchet & Clank series is its wide assortment of zany weaponry. The eponymous duo has had the opportunity to use several vacuum variations over the years. The Suck Cannon from the first game could draw in enemies or crates and use them as makeshift ammunition. The Rift Inducer from Up Your Arsenal created veritable black holes that would absorb enemies. Finally, the Vak-U 4000 from All 4 One could pick up bombs (or other players) and toss them around to solve puzzles. The only reason why Ratchet and Clank aren’t rated even higher on this list is because they aren’t really defined by their vacuuming skills in a meaningful way. Since they use so many outlandish weapons, their various vacuum armaments seem relatively tame by comparison.

Link has had the opportunity to use dozens of special items during his adventures, and the Gust Jar is one of the most versatile weapons he’s ever come across. It can suck in enemies, turn them into projectiles, or push them off cliffs. It can also absorb fire attacks, retrieve items, and propel its user across gaps in the floor. The jar can even be used as propulsion device when Link’s standing on lily pads. Gust Jars can be used as weapons or transportation, and they’re extremely useful for solving puzzles. In fact, many of the puzzles in Tri Force Heroes require multiple Gust Jars to solve! Link can also draw ghosts into the Gust Jar, but that’s probably not surprising at this point. If there was an infomercial for the Gust Jar, it would have to be three hours long if they wanted to explain all of its features.

Blinx is a snarky, anthropomorphic cat who works as a “time sweeper” at a “time factory” and helps maintain the “flow of time” through the “dimensions.” When time anomalies are detected, Blinx is sent in to correct them with his trusty TS-1000 vacuum cleaner. The TS-1000 (and its various upgrades) can suck up almost any object and turn it into a makeshift projectile. It’s almost certainly the most powerful vacuum on this list, and it can even grab onto massive 16-ton weights! It also has the ability to store objects for later use. Microsoft was targeting an older audience with the Xbox, but executives still desired a friendly face that could cater to younger clientele. Although Blinx never reached the popularity of Sonic the Hedgehog or Crash Bandicoot, his placement on this list confirms something that we’ve known all along: Blinx sucks.

When Luigi finds himself alone in a haunted mansion, he receives a helping hand from an eccentric scientist named Professor Elvin Gadd. The professor created a powerful ghost vacuum – called Poltergust 3000 – that allows Luigi to suck up and trap the ghosts that he encounters. The vacuum can also absorb elements like water, ice, or fire, and shoot them out. The Poltergust line has seen various accessories and upgrades over the years, and it’s capabilities extend well beyond its initial ghost-hunting purposes. Luigi uses the vacuum to get the upper hand in Mario Power Tennis and Mario Sports Mix, and he even uses a rideable version in Mario Kart DS. Ghost vacuums are a relatively common trope in pop culture, but no video game vacuum is more iconic than Luigi’s Poltergust.

Kirby doesn’t technically use a vacuum, but that’s only because he is a vacuum! It seems like I’m cheating by mentioning him on this list, but it would be a miscarriage of justice to brush him aside seeing as how we’ve already set precedent with Dust Man. Kirby is well-known for his copying abilities, but he can only steal his enemies’ powers after he sucks them up into his expansive mouth. His entire identity is informed by his ridiculous lung capacity, and he wouldn’t be the same character if wasn’t able to inhale everything in sight. Shigeru Miyamoto has stated that Kirby was named in honor of John Kirby, who defended Nintendo in a lawsuit against Universal. Coincidentally, the name also draws comparison to the Kirby brand of vacuum cleaners. The little guy even sounds like a vacuum!