Will You Be My Valentine?

In what can only be described as an amazing display of entrepreneurial creativity, Lulu Valentine is a fashion designer who engages in prize fighting to support her fledgling company and promote her trashy outfits. It seems like she’s in over her head at first, but Lulu punches above her weight and ranks among the fastest fighters in the Ready 2 Rumble series. She might not be as imposing (or as over-the-top) as some of her opponents, but she’s not afraid to throw down. She’s courageous enough to knock out mafia hitman and is willing to step into the ring with everyone from Michael Jackson to Hillary Clinton. Lulu is known to her fans as “The Sweet Petite,” but her opponents know better than to take her lightly. She stands a mere 5’2″, but she’ll be the first to tell you that big things come in small packages.

King Valentine was a wise and benevolent ruler who used magic from a distant land to defend his kingdom. Unfortunately, he lost his virtuous spirit when he learned that his daughter was sleeping with the Demon Lord Odin. The disgraced king felt so betrayed that he strangled his daughter in a fit of rage before descending into madness. After his entire kingdom was destroyed in an ensuing war with Odin, Valentine seemed destined to endure an eternity of suffering in the Netherworld. He managed to escape to the land of the living as an undead skeleton, but he was a deranged shadow of his former self who vowed to destroy the world that had caused him so much anguish. When it comes right down to it, Odin Sphere is a cautionary tale about the dangers of banging demon lords who are at war with your father’s kingdom.

Hildegard “Hilda” Valentine was stranded after her experimental ship crash-landed near Roswell, New Mexico. She was captured by scientists and mistaken for an alien, but she was actually just a weird vampire. Hilda is one of three unusual vampire siblings in the Shadow Hearts series, but she’s arguably the most interesting of the bunch. She can transform into a bat like her older brothers can, but her preposterous metabolism also allows her to fluctuate between “slim” and “curvy” forms simply by managing her calorie intake. (A lot of people count calories in real life, but Hilda drains calories from her enemies!) Hilda is physically strong in her curvy form, but she’s easily frightened and her magic abilities are diminished. In her slim form, Hilda becomes more aggressive and tries to carry herself like a true superheroine.

Valentine is the last surviving member of a group of black-ops ninja nurses that were tasked with stopping the evil Skullgirl. After losing her friends in battle, Valentine began to serve the Skullgirl in the name of self-preservation, but she continued to pursue her own agenda behind the scenes. She has an impossible hourglass figure and her clothes are always at risk of falling off, so the fact that many of her actions go unnoticed is nothing short of remarkable. In battle, Valentine employs an acrobatic fighting style and uses various hospital-themed tools. Her weapon of choice is a bone saw that she wields like a katana, but she also makes use of syringes, scalpels, and stethoscopes. Whether she’s attacking her enemies with cadavers or healing her allies with defibrillators, you really have to admire her resourcefulness.

In a future where androids are commonplace, a young boy resents how human society is being shaped by emotionless husks of metal. His opinions on technology are challenged after he finds an android girl abandoned at the dump. Unlike other androids, Lucy Valentine is fitted with an emotional expression module which makes it seem human. Lucy smiles, laughs, and cries like a real human, and she even dreams about the future. Lucy does everything she can to make her new friend happy. She wakes him up in the morning, prepares his meals, and is there to welcome him home after school. The realness of Lucy’s emotions are brought into question, and the boy wonders if the feelings he has for her are real either. Even though she’s artificial, Lucy raises interesting questions about what it means to be human.

Gears are artificial magical creatures that were intended to advance evolution. Justice was the first complete Gear ever created, but she instigated a hundred-year war against humanity after she learned that she was a mere tool. After Justice was destroyed, her memories and genetic material were used to create Jack-O’. Unfortunately, she awoke before she was fully formed, and she was saddled with fragmented memories as a result. (As another consequence of her premature awakening, she developed a dependency on lollipops.) Jack-O’ alternates between a child-like personality and a more mature one, and this dichotomy is reflected in her fighting style. Her movements are downright comical at times, but her iconic crouching animation went viral in 2019 as myriads of fan artists and social media influencers tried to imitate the suggestive pose.

A brooding loner with a mysterious past, Vincent Valentine is an optional party member in Final Fantasy VII who is found sleeping in a coffin like a vampire. Scientific experiments involving an alien life form had stopped his aging process and gave him the ability to transform into various demon-like creatures, but Vincent understandably views his immortality as a curse. Other experiments were also performed on the woman he loved, so Vincent feels tremendous guilt over his inability to protect her and chooses a life of isolation. Vincent is a man of few words who reveals very little about himself, but he was still popular enough to be given his own game. Dirge of Cerberus: Final Fantasy VII fleshes out his personality and allows an angst-filled Vincent to atone for the dark past that so frequently torments him.

Nick Valentine is a synthetic human with the memories and mannerisms of a pre-war police detective. He’d be right at home in a Humphrey Bogart movie if not for the fact that he’s a mechanical monstrosity. Wastelanders are generally distrustful of synths, but the citizens of Diamond City welcomed him into their community even though he was clearly made out of gears and sprockets. Nick operates a small agency in the city and works as a private investigator. His hacking skills make him a useful partner, but he’d rank as the best companion in Fallout 4 even if he wasn’t helpful. He’s quite possibly the most genuine character in the entire Commonwealth, and his backstory is legitimately interesting. Fallout 4 had its share of detractors, but nearly everyone agreed that Nick Valentine was one of Bethesda’s best-written characters ever.

The Resident Evil franchise is full of strong female characters – including the ambitious Claire Redfield and femme fatale, Ada Wong – but I’ll always have a special place in my heart for Jill Valentine. As a member of Alpha Team and the so-called “Master of Unlocking,” Jill’s abilities come in handy as she works her way through a zombie-infested mansion. After battling alongside partner Chris Redfield in the original Resident Evil, Jill returned as the sole protagonist in Resident Evil 3 – this time opting to battle zombies while wearing a tube top and a mini-skirt. Not even Nemesis could stop her, and he was a bio-engineered super soldier with a frickin’ rocket launcher! In addition to the Resident Evil games, Jill has also landed roles in Project X-Zone, Under the Skin, and the Marvel vs. Capcom series.

Isabella “Ivy” Valentine is a surprisingly complex woman. She comes across as cold and even Machiavellian at times, but her personality is driven by emotional conflict and a troubled past. Although she was adopted into a noble family and raised in the lap of luxury, her biological father was actually a notorious pirate. In an effort to rid the world of her cursed bloodline, Ivy chose a life of celibacy. This extreme measure didn’t stop her from dressing like a sex-crazed dominatrix, however. Ivy is pretty much defined by her revealing outfits, and her crazy big boobs are large enough to make the Dead or Alive girls feel inadequate. Some critics will argue that her proportions are problematic, but I’ve been a fan of Ivy since the first SoulCalibur and have rather enjoyed watching her grow over the years.