Witches Be Crazy

Guided by a disembodied voice and armed with a magical weapon called a gunrod, Alica emerged to defend humanity from hordes of invading demons. Her gunrod looks like a broomstick, but it can morph into a shotgun, a sniper rifle, or a Gattling gun. In lieu of standard ammunition, the weapon is imbued with Alicia’s elemental power and unleashes attacks based on fire, water, earth, and air. Her witchcraft allows her to move objects with her mind, summon swarms of deadly ravens, and construct stone walls to act as shields. She can also create lightning bolts, powerful tornadoes, and even meteor showers! Alicia isn’t as traditional as some of the ladies on this list – she sometimes dresses like a Catholic school girl and even appeared topless in Playboy Magazine – but she can bend nature to her will and she looks good doing it.

Hilda is one of five witches permitted to sing in a world where song was prohibited by the gods. Most witches are able to use their magical songs to weave miracles, but Hilda’s song is one of destruction and it crystallizes towns throughout the kingdom. Despite being viewed as a harbinger of doom, Hilda has a softer side that isn’t immediately apparent. As strange as it seems, her true motives are altruistic and there’s a perfectly logical reason for her reckless behavior. Her skimpy outfits leave little to the imagination, but there’s more to her personality than meets the eye. A lot of trouble could have been avoided if only Hilda’s motives were as thinly veiled as her body, but the game wouldn’t have been nearly as interesting that way. Stella Glow is a hidden gem in the 3DS library and Hilda is the most compelling character in the game.

There are many witches in the Mario universe that could have been included on this list, but I ultimately decided that Cackletta was more inventive than magikoopas like Kammy and Kamella. The main antagonist of Mario & Luigi: Superstar Saga, Cackletta disguises herself as a Goodwill Ambassador in order to steal Peach’s voice as part of a larger plan to obtain a magical wish-granting object known as the Beanstar. In battle, Cackletta demonstrates powers based on pyrokinesis and electricity manipulation. She is also able to create clones of herself and is known to be a master of disguise. At one point, she even possesses Bowser’s body and gives rise to a being known as “Bowletta.” Cackletta fights the brothers Mario three times during the game. Her plans don’t always pan out, but she deserves a lot of credit for trying.

Deneb might be young and beautiful, but she’s also a cold-blooded vamp who has been known to destroy entire villages to further her twisted research. During the war between the Empire and the Xenobian Kingdom, Deneb chose to side with the Empire in exchange for their magic books. Shortly thereafter, Denben ramped up her dark experiments. Young men began disappearing in droves and entire fields of crops were found dug up. Rumours began to circulate regarding the nature of these happenings, but people began to put two-and-two together when creatures with pumpkins for heads began to emerge from the mountains. Despite her complete disregard for others, Deneb is one of the most popular characters in the Ogre Battle series. I guess we can chalk that up to her powers of flirtation.

One of the few female protagonists in the Castlevania series, Shanoa is a prolific member of the Order of Ecclesia – a secret organization devoted to preventing Dracula’s return in the Belmont clan’s absence. Shanoa is a glyph user who is capable of absorbing her enemies and using their energy to create spells, summon creatures, materialize weapons, and even transform into a variety of creatures herself. Shanoa was chosen by the Order to be a vessel for a glyph powerful enough to defeat Dracula, but she was attacked during the ritual and left in an amnesiac state. With no memory of her past, Shanoa is only able to simulate emotions. Her face lacks expression, but her actions speak loudly. Despite being deprived of her memories, Shanoa’s resolve remains strong and she intends to become the blade to banish all evil.

Nobeta is an amnesiac witch who enters a desolate castle to unravel the mystery of her own life. She’s accompanied by an impatient black cat who is clearly hiding something, so the small wonder has to be self reliant. Nobeta is a lot tougher than she looks, however, and she has a litany of elemental spells at her disposal. She can also get physical if she needs to, and the brat’s defensive maneuvers wouldn’t be out of place in Dark Souls. Leading up to the game’s release, the developers kept the hype train going by leveraging Nobeta’s torrid youth on Patreon and Fanbox. Only a fraction of the lewdness was reflected in the game itself, but her cute outfits and funny poses still worked fans into a frenzy. Her endearing young charms proved to be more powerful than any magic spell.

The Sorceress is one of six playable characters in Dragon’s Crown and the most well-rounded of the bunch. For what she lacks in physical strength, she makes up for with her vast knowledge of dark magic. She’s a jack-of-all-trades and uses the arcane arts to aid her friends. The Sorceress can create delicious food, control undead skeletal armies, and trap her enemies in prisons of ice. Dragon’s Crown was designed with co-op gameplay in mind, but the versatility of the Sorceress’ techniques makes her an ideal character to take out on solo runs when the situation calls for it. Some criticized the Sorceress for having “unrealistic” proportions, but if I’m willing to accept that she has the ability to turn her foes into harmless frogs, I’ll suspend my disbelief with regards to her giant witch tits.

Ashley is a young witch-in-training who lives in a haunted mansion. Her spells don’t always work like she intends, but Ashley is very dedicated to her craft and doesn’t make time for “girly” things like “playing with dolls” or “combing her hair.” She’s a shy girl and describes herself as a slave to her spell book. To her credit, she knows the darkest spells and brews the meanest potions. She insists that everyone loves her bewitching personality, but she is egotistical and quick to anger. She has been known to turn her teachers into spoons and threatens anyone who makes her feel rejected in any way. She hangs out with a shape-shifting imp named Red, but she secretly wants more friends. Ashley comes across as arrogant and domineering at times, but she’s really just insecure. Either way, you better learn her name!

Of all the ladies on this list, Gruntilda is the one who most closely fits with the stereotypical depiction of witches in pop culture. A self-described wench, Grunty is defined by her green skin, large nose, and missing teeth. She wears a pointy hat, rides around on a flying broomstick, and speaks in rhyme as though she was in a fairytale. Grunty is known for her sarcastic wit and even breaks the fourth wall on a number of occasions. Gruntilda has been described as arrogant and overconfident, but she also demonstrates a wide array of abilities. She casts fireballs, generates force fields, and defies death on a number of occasions. She even serves as a host of an elaborate game show she devised. Her most remarkable accomplishment is building a machine that can transform her into a sexy witch that looks remarkably like Posh Spice.

Bayonetta certainly has options when it comes to defending herself. She arms herself with an assortment of pistols, shotguns, katanas, and whips, but her most creative attacks involve her witch powers. As a member of an ancient coven known as the Umbra, Bayonetta is well-versed in the supernatural and metaphysical arts. She can transform into animals, walk on walls, or use her hair as a medium to call forth behemoth beasts to help her in battle. She also has the ability to manipulate time itself. Bayonetta has superhuman speed and agility and is extremely graceful in combat. Regardless of how much danger she’s in, she never loses her cool. She’s flirtatious, seductive, and straight up sadomasochistic at times, but her playful demeanor keeps things lighthearted and fun.