Do You Smell What Mike Haggar is Cooking?

Pro Wrestling is one of the most overlooked Nintendo franchises and one of the best games of its era. A major contributing factor to the game’s overall awesomeness was its diverse roster of unique characters. The game featured seven original fighters and incorporated wrestling styles from all over the world. Without question, Amazon – a half-piranha, half-man – is the most memorable character of them all. Willing to bend the rules as far as they will go, Amazon frequently lays the smackdown on his opponents by biting them in the forehead or repeatedly stabbing them with a fork! It’s not every day you see blood spill in a Nintendo game. Nintendo hasn’t completely forgotten about Pro Wrestling yet (Amazon even made a brief cameo in Wario Ware: Twisted!), but it would be nice to see this creature get the attention he deserves.

Rumble Roses features many scantily-clad female wrestlers, and each one has their own unique gimmick. There were a lot of interesting candidates to choose from. Dixie Clemets was nearly selected for being the perfect embodiment of an American stereotype from a Japanese perspective. (I was also a fan of her “chaps and panties” look.) Ultimately, Reiko is the real star of the series. She was heavily featured in marketing materials, and the game’s most significant plot points revolve around her. Reiko had a strong desire to follow in her footsteps of her mother – who was a legendary pro wrestler herself. She learned martial arts at a young age and blended it with traditional wrestling to form her own unique fighting style. Fighting under the moniker “The Zero Fighter,” Reiko uses her speed and agility to gain the upper hand during her matches.

Many iconic characters were left off this list, so some might question if Mary is worthy. After all, Tobal No. 1 was a relatively obscure fighting game and its sequel wasn’t even released outside of Japan. The fact that she stands out in a series that features 200 playable characters is quite telling. Mary is a plus-sized woman with plus-sized strength. When the world of pro wrestling was unable to find competition for her, Mary sought to end her financial troubles by entering an inter-planetary fighting tournament. Mary is larger than many of her male opponents, and she destroys them with brainbusters, powerbombs, suplexes and a host of other devastating maneuvers. She’s one of the most imposing female characters to ever appear in a video game. “Real women have curves?” How about, “Real women will plant you into the ground with a DDT!”

Juan Aguacate was once a humble agave farmer living in a small Mexican village. He met his untimely end at the hands of a charro skeleton while attempting to save the girl he loved. While in the land of the dead, Juan was given a mysterious mask that transformed him into a powerful luchador and sent him back to the world of the living. Juan had dreamed of being a luchador from a young age, and the magic mask bestowed on him the ability to perform all sorts of throws, slams, and dazzling high-flying maneuvers. The fact that Juan was given his abilities rather than developing them himself prevents him from being ranked higher on this list, but he’s a natural showman who has the utmost respect for the mask that he wears. Guacamelee! was inspired by traditional Mexican folklore, and it’s clear that the game’s developers had great affinity for lucha libre.

Bass Armstrong certainly looks the part of a pro wrestler and could likely pass as Hulk Hogan’s long-lost twin. However, anyone who is familiar with the series can tell you that the main draw of Dead or Alive has always been the girls. It just wouldn’t seem right to recognize Bass over his lovely daughter, Tina. Bass is famous for being the greatest wrestler in the world, but success breeds success. Tina was raised in a wrestling environment and put through a rigorous training regime from a young age. Despite her skills, Tina became bored of the wrestling scene and planned on using the Dead or Alive tournaments as a launching pad for a Hollywood career. Bass is more devoted to wrestling and even bests Tina in the fifth Dead or Alive tourney, but I’m recognizing Tina on this list anyway because she has bigger boobs.

As the reigning champion of the Glitz Pit in Paper Mario 2, Rawk Hawk exemplifies everything that a great pro wrestling heel should be. Like many iconic wrestlers, Rawk is arrogant, egotistical, and self-centered. He views everyone around him as wimps and enjoys taking them for rides on the pain train. They don’t call him the “Feral Nuclear Reactor” for nothing. As formidable as he is in battle, he’s even more dangerous outside of the ring. Rawk is famous for his trash-talking and he clearly doesn’t understand the concept of ethics or good sportsmanship. When Mario emerges as a challenger for his title, Rawk pays a security guard to lock him in the dressing room. He also sends him a poisoned cake to weaken them before their match. Rawk Hawk holds on to his rage after losing his title, and refuses to let his rivalry with Mario die.

An earlier iteration of this list included Hawlucha as the Pokémon representative, but it’s obvious that Incineroar is now the most iconic wrestler from the series. Incineroar was first seen in Pokémon Sun and Moon, and his wrestling moveset was given an even brighter spotlight in Super Smash Bros. Ultimate. In a typical bout, you can expect Incineroar to use dropkicks, headbutts, leg sweeps, double axe handles, giant swings, German suplexes, torture racks, back body drops, and moonsaults. His spinning clothesline would impress the likes of Zangief and Haggar, and he has the uncanny ability to make ring ropes sprout up from the ground! Like any respectable pro wrestler, Incineroar knows how to work a crowd. He’ll automatically pose for the audience after landing certain attacks, and his charisma is undeniable.

King is a Mexican luchador who is famous for wearing Jaguar masks in his wrestling matches. King was a ruthless street brawling orphan before he saw the error of his ways and decided to devote his life to troubled children. However, after a child in his care passed away, King became severely depressed and gave up his mask. After turning to alcohol, King found himself on the streets until his rival (Armor King) convinced him to enter the next “King of the Iron Fist” tournament. King was ultimately defeated by Armor King, but his spirit had been renewed and he began passing down his fighting skills to children as a means of teaching them self defense. After King was murdered, one of the kids he helped raise donned his mask and vowed avenge him. King’s legacy has lived on long after his death, which is the mark of a true legend.

I’ve already recognized Mike Haggar as one of the best video game heroes of all time, and the heroism he displayed by rescuing his daughter from a street gang also secured his place as one of the best video game fathers of all time. There was no chance that he wasn’t going to be ranked highly on this list as well. Mike Haggar is easily among the manliest video game characters ever devised, but he doesn’t rely entirely on brute force. Sure, he can knock his opponents around with his spinning clothesline technique, but he also has an impressive dropkick in his repertoire, and his trademark spinning piledriver demonstrates a perfect balance between strength and finesse. Haggar gave up the world of professional wrestling when he was elected Mayor of Metro City, but he stepped back into the ring in the Saturday Night Slam Masters series.

It’s unfair to include two characters from the same series on this list, but the Street Fighter and Final Fight franchise didn’t officially crossover until Street Fighter Alpha was released in 1995. This means that there were six years in which the franchises co-existed as completely separate universes. Zangief has a lot in common with Mike Haggar. They have similar fighting styles and even share many of the same trademark maneuvers. The burly Soviet would be the perfect rival for American-made Mike Haggar, and I imagine that a battle between the two would play out like a more violent version of the Cold War. The reason Zangief is being recognized over his American counterpart is simply because he’s more devoted to his craft. When Mike Haggar was busy pursuing a career in politics, Zangief was wrestling bears in Siberian wastelands.