Badass Beards

During the design phase of Half-Life, the game’s protagonist was informally known as “Ivan the Space Biker.” Ivan was primarily defined by an out-of-control beard, and some testers felt that he look like a hobo. After the character evolved into Gordon Freeman, the wild beard was trimmed back significantly to create the modest goatee that we all know and love. I kind of liked the space biker look, but I’ll concede that unassuming facial hair is more appropriate than a full-blown beard. Ivan looked like the kind of guy who would fly off the handle at any moment, but Gordon always keeps his composure. The beard is neither unique nor distinctive, but it’s somehow befitting of a brilliant physicist. His facial hair reminds me of Tony Stark, and this makes it easy to view him as an ambitious scientist with a knack for technology.

As awesome as the God of War games were, Kratos was always a complete tool. After killing his family in a blind rage, he spent countless years of his life looking for someone to blame. His bald head and goatee were supposed to be emblematic markings of a badass, but he looked more like the lead singer of a generic nu-metal band. (It was basically Fred Durst, circa 2003.) 2018’s God of War is set many years after Kratos took his vengeance against the Olympian gods, and his full beard is a reflection of his newfound maturity. The Spartan warrior dialed back the angst while raising his son in ancient Scandinavia, and his beard speaks to his evolution as a character. He’s as violent and powerful as he ever was, but he now has to fill the role of a teacher. His new beard makes him look like he might actually have some wisdom to impart.

Ghosts ‘n Goblins is the first console video game I ever played, so Sir Arthur helped establish what video game characters were supposed to look like in my mind. Needless to say, his iconic beard set an unrealistic expectation that few characters were able to live up to. Arthur spends half the game running around in boxer shorts, so he should look completely helpless. Regardless of what he’s wearing, his scruffy beard always makes him look like a total badass. His body is lanky and the odds are clearly stacked against him, but his epic beard serves as a constant reminder that he’s a man with ample life experience. It’s hard not to be impressed with his beard-to-face ratio. His face is basically all beard, and even his lips are covered with facial hair. If the beard provide any more coverage, Arthur would look like a werewolf.

Dr. Light is a genius scientist who developed a variety of robots for peaceful purposes. The evolution of robotics is an important issue to him, and he envisions a world where humans and robots can live together in harmony. While other scientists view robots as a means to world domination, Dr. Light acts as a father figure to his creations. His compassionate nature is immediately apparent, and his jolly white beard accentuates his friendly personality. If all of the characters in this list were to get together for a Christmas party, Dr. Light would undoubtedly be chosen to play Santa Claus. He doesn’t have a workshop full of elves at his disposal, but the good doctor works tirelessly to preserve world peace and he’s every bit as giving as Father Christmas. The beard makes a big first impression, and Dr. Light lives up to it against all odds.

Zachary Hale Comstock is a religious zealot who created a floating city in the sky as a means of promoting American exceptionalism. Within a few years, the supposed utopia had been transformed into a theocratic police state where elitism was widespread. “Father Comstock” maintained control of the city through a cult of personality, and he was revered as a prophet. Comstock’s glorious beard is reminiscent of political figures like Benjamin Harrison and intellectuals like Charles Darwin. The radiant white hairs are a reflection of his age and experience, and they could also be viewed as symbols of confidence and power. He didn’t always act like a leader, but he certainly looked the part. Comstock’s beard covers his entire face with no visible patches. It’s just unfortunate that his moral fiber has so many holes in it.

There are over a hundred characters in the Dynasty Warriors series, and many of them sport impressive beards. It was surprisingly easy to choose one of them for this list, however. A military hero with great integrity, Guan Yu acquired the nickname “Lord of the Magnificent Beard” from the Emperor. He could apparently cleave apart an army of thousands with ease, and his dedication earned him respect from friends and foes alike. Even though he’s a mighty warrior with a studious mind, his in-game peers can’t seem to stop talking about his beautiful beard. I have no idea how he keeps his beard so clean on the battlefield, so I can understand why his contemporaries are so taken aback by his well-kept facial hair. Guan Yu was a key figure in establishing the Kingdom of Shu, but his flowing beard overshadows his accomplishments.

There were many antagonists in Resident Evil 4, and Bitores Mendez was arguably the most imposing of them all. As a leading member of the Los Illuminados cult, Mendez served as the chief of a small rural village and bent his followers to his will. He was a mountain of a man with a well-worn trenchcoat and an unkempt beard, and he looked like he belonged in the world of professional wrestling. He was strong enough to shrug off bullets, but he was eventually set ablaze after an oil drum exploded. This event didn’t kill him outright, but it forced him to mutate into a grotesque creature. His fingernails morphed into sharp talons, segmented limbs burst from his back, and his torso looked like a giant centipede. His distinctive beard did not change during the mutation process, however, as it was already terrifying enough.

Muradin Bronzebeard was a founding member of the dwarven Explorers’ Guild and a close friend to the royal family of Lordaeron. He dedicated himself to archaeology, and he also took it upon himself to teach the young prince everything he knew about combat. Muradin was presumed dead at the end of Warcraft III, but he merely lost his memories. Under the guise of Yorg Stormheart, Muradin protected his dwarven brethren for many years and was regarded as a brave warrior. He was a simple combat instructor at the start of his journey, but he was eventually named King of the Frostborn. He certainly has a beard that’s fit for a king. The thing hangs down to his feet, and it would be even longer if it wasn’t braided. The beard basically covers his entire body. If this was a list of most beard, Muradin would be an easy choice for number one.

There are a few beards from the Street Fighter universe that are worth mentioning. Gen’s long white beard is a perfect fit for a martial arts master, and the Internet lost its collective mind when Ryu grew a beard for Street Fighter V. I’m acknowledging Zangief’s beard because of how important it is to his character. Even though he spends his time sparring with bears in the cold Siberian wastelands, he seldom wears more than a pair of wrestling trunks. The beard provides shelter from the elements and probably helps him retain his body heat. (Even Rocky Balboa understands the importance of growing a beard when you’re training in Russia.) The beard also accentuates Zangief’s manliness, and it compliments his mohawk and chest hair. The dude is seven feet tall and is covered with scars, and his beard somehow makes him look even more intimidating.

LeChuck was introduced in The Secret of Monkey Island as a ghost pirate captain. In subsequent appearances, he was depicted as an evil zombie pirate and an evil demon pirate. He has also assumed the form of a statue and was accidentally reverted back to his human form at one point. He even disguised himself as a politician. His role (and art style) changes from one game to the next, but his beard is never anything less than extraordinary. The scraggly beard usually hangs down past his chest, and it continues to grow even in death. There aren’t many people who can grow a beard after their skin falls off! In his demon form, the hair somehow takes on the form of fire and makes him look even more intimidating. It would be hard to justify giving the top spot to anyone else, given how versatile and durable LeChuck’s beard proves to be.