The Wool Over Your Eyes

This is one of those cases where the “one character per franchise” rule is going to eliminate a lot of otherwise qualified candidates. The Mario series is filled with fabulous eyebrows, after all. Wario’s angry brows accentuate his evil nature, and Goombas would look pathetic if their eyebrows were removed. Bowser is being singled out based solely on how full his eyebrows are, however. He has almost as much hair on his brow as he does on the top of his head! The King of the Koopas has been rocking his bushy orange eyebrows since the ’80s, which gives him a legacy advantage over everyone else on this list. Interestingly, his eyebrows were not a part of his original design. In 1986, Bowser received a makeover for a made-for-TV Super Mario Bros. anime movie, and he’s kept the same style ever since.

One look at Heihachi Mishima can tell you volumes about his mental state. There’s something about his wild hair and horseshoe moustache that makes him look like a older (and crazier) version of Hulk Hogan. His angry eyebrows play an important role too, as they reflect his unbridled rage. Heihachi’s strength cannot be denied, but I have to question his sanity. At one point, he throws his son off a cliff just to test his strength. He also test his own strength by hosting a world-wide fighting tournament. He later takes a bear under his wing and teaches them how to fight too. Even though he’s the CEO of a multinational financial group, Hiehachi prefers to do business with his fists! Before he went gray, his fierce eyebrows were a window into his rage. In his old age, they’re a reflection of his madness.

Papyrus is a captivating skeleton with charisma to spare, but he wouldn’t be nearly as expressive without his animated brows. Depending on the situation, they can accentuate his happiness, amplify his confusion, or underline his anger. They also ramp up his desirability, and this makes the impromptu date sequence all the more exciting. When combined with his ardent smile, a single raised eyebrow can win over the heart of any human! Papyrus is much more enthusiastic than his brother Sans, and his vibrant eyebrows show us how passionate he is about life… and love… and spaghetti. His appearance on this list is pretty remarkable, all things considered. If you take a gander at our list of best skeletons, you’ll notice a distinct lack of eyebrows. As it turns out, it’s pretty hard to grow and maintain eyebrows when you don’t have any skin on your face!

The Purple Tentacle was introduced as an ordinary mutant who was working as a lab assistant. After drinking toxic sludge that his creator dumped behind the laboratory, he sprouted tiny little arms and developed a genius level IQ. He also became obsessed with world domination and envisioned a future where all of humanity would be enslaved. Even though the Purple Tentacle doesn’t have a face, he’s able to convey his emotions through the use of his frowning unibrow. (I don’t know if it can accurately be described as a unibrow, however, since it doesn’t extend across multiple eyes. Come to think of it, I’m not sure if it should even be considered an eyebrow at all since he doesn’t technically have any eyes at all…) In any regard, the menacing brow helps the Purple Tentacle emote, and it’s a constant reminder of his villainous intent.

Most video games use different cover artwork for their respective Japanese and American releases. Consumer trends obviously vary from one region to the next, but the alterations that were made to Kirby’s games feel like a critique on the entire Western world. In Japan, Kirby is usually depicted as cheerful and overjoyed. For some reason, he often carries an angry expression on his American box covers. Some marketing genius decided that gaming’s most charming mascot should have angry eyebrows reminiscent of Jerry Seinfeld’s uncle Leo. Nintendo started this trend in 2003 with the release of Kirby Air Ride, and they continued to double-down in the years that followed. Thankfully, this phenomena only affects covers and promotional artwork, and does not typically carry over into the games themselves.

We’ve just looked at an example of an iconic Japanese character who was altered for American audiences, so it’s only fair to point out that the same thing happens to American characters on the other side of the ocean. When Ratchet & Clank was released in Japan in 2002, Sony decided that Ratchet’s eyebrows should be larger, darker, and fuzzier. It’s unclear why they felt this change was necessary, but it can be presumed that they were somehow trying to mimic the success of Crash Bandicoot. The change was even more egregious than the aforementioned “Angry Kirby” example since it applied to the in-game models as well as the cover artwork. Ratchet already had substantial eyebrows to begin with, but Sony apparently thought he should look like the bastard child of Eugene Levy and Cara Delevingne.

When it comes to eyebrows, Street Fighter characters seems to fall into two extremes. Fighters like Sagat, Blanka, and Guile (among others) don’t have eyebrows at all. On the other hand, Ken and E. Honda look like someone stapled caterpillars to their foreheads. Ryu is in a class by himself, however, since his eyebrows appear to defy the laws of physics. Although they aren’t any more pronounced than Ken’s are, further inspection reveals that Ryu’s eyebrows somehow overlap his headband. This phenomena is apparent in-game and in official artwork, so we can safely say that it’s not simply an optical illusion. Even though I don’t fully understand the logistics, I have to admit that Ryu’s ever-present eyebrows are a window into his inner psyche. The guy’s as serious a heart attack, and you can accurately gauge his personality with a simple glance.

Angry Birds is aimed at the mass market, so it’s important for its characters and narrative devices to be as simple as possible. The designs of the eponymous birds could not be more straightforward, and they’re basically glorified softballs with bird faces attached. The lack of distinguishing features makes the eyebrows seem even more important. They’re the reason why everyone knows that the avian protagonists are angry birds, after all. Red is being singled out from his castmates simply because his eyebrows are the most pronounced. His design has changed over the years, and he’s often depicted with a proper body now. No matter how many makeovers he’s given, his intimidating eyebrows are ever-present. The folks at Rovio Entertainment clearly understand that angry eyebrows are the focal point of their entire media franchise!

Crash Bandicoot is often seen as Sony’s answer to Sonic the Hedgehog, but he actually borrows more heavily from Looney Tunes. (The Tazmanian Devil influence is especially apparent.) Since Crash seldom speaks, he relies on pantomime as his primary form of communication. Some of his gestures border on the obscene, however, and his irreverent sense of humor is always on display. His celebratory air thrusts aren’t especially refined, and his eyebrow waggling is just plain creepy. When Crash sees a wild hog that he can ride, he looks directly into the camera and starts raising his eyebrows in a suggestive manner. This makes it seem like Crash wants to take the little piggy for a different kind of ride. His bushy eyebrows are noticeable even when he’s not acting like a total weirdo, but his obnoxious mannerisms make them even more conspicuous.

Dr. Wily didn’t have a single line of dialog in the first Mega Man game, but you could still infer a lot about him based on his gestures alone. His trademark eyebrow waggle painted him as arrogant, defiant, and downright disrespectful. After Mega Man defeats Wily’s Robot Masters, the mad doctor hops in his little UFO and has the gall to taunt the Blue Bomber. His eyebrow exercises are a form of heckling, and he’s obviously trying to underplay Mega Man’s accomplishments. No matter how many times he faces defeat, Wily refuses to dial back his insolence. His eyebrow-based mockery became a staple in the series, and it has been singled out as one of gaming’s greatest taunts. I can only assume he was experiencing some form of facial paralysis in Mega Man 11, as he stopped moving his eyebrows and began throwing his head back in laughter instead.