Loincloth Luminaries

Golden Axe is set against the backdrop of a medieval-fantasy world, but loinclothes aren’t nearly as prevalent as you might expect. Sternblade didn’t show up until the third Golden Axe game, but he’s still the obvious choice for this list since most of his fellow protagonists look like they’re wearing wrestling trunks. Sternblade, in contrast, has a proper loincloth that would be impossible to ignore on the battlefield. Although the official artwork makes him look like a generic savage with a generic outfit, his in-game model has a penchant for the color purple. Whether he’s cutting through enemies with a giant sword or incinerating them with a wall of fire, Sternblade looks fabulous! I’d like to imagine that Sternblade dyed some animal hides just to make sure that his outfit would match his sword.

The immortal protagonist of Planescape: Torment has incurred many lifetimes of injuries without meeting his permanent demise. He clearly has no need for protective clothing, so we can assume he just wears whatever is comfortable. Despite his lack of a proper identity, you can infer a lot about the Nameless One just by looking at him. His rippling muscles and scarred skin are indicators of what kind of lifestyle he leads, and his loincloth makes him stands out in a crowd. Many of his contemporaries wear proper armor, but the Nameless One is content to drape himself with bones and animal hides. He has an expansive back story spanning centuries, but he still chooses to dress like a caveman. It kind of makes sense to have primitive fashion sensibilities when you spend your days obliterating your enemies with a giant battle axe.

Loincloths are common among barbarian heroes, so this list could turn into a sausage factory if we’re not careful. Nidalee is just the gal to put things back on track. The Beastal Huntress was raised in the deepest jungles, and she defends her territory with great veracity. She has the uncanny ability to transform into a cougar, but her human form is just as deadly. Fur loincloths are often worn for their utility, but Nidalee’s default outfit is remarkably stylish and deliberately sexy. She obviously spent a lot of time designing all of the accessories, and she loves showing off her body. When she’s not using her javelin to attack unwary opponents, she’s likely using it as a makeshift stripper pole. Nidalee is not one for subtlety, and she’ll be the first to tell you when mating season begins.

There are a lot of scantily-clad individuals on this list, and Krystal is no exception. In fact, she doesn’t wear anything under her slinky loincloth! Her outfit would be considered risque in most situations, but we’ll give her a pass since she’s the sole survivor of a remote planet. (There’s no need for formal wear when everyone on your planet is dead.) Her outfit might look impractical, but it’s not without purpose. It fits well with her lithe fighting style, and it plays into the whole “jungle princess” theme that she has going on. Krystal adopts a form-fitting flight suit after joining the StarFox team, but she’s best remembered for her skimpy tribal getup. Even though she was only playable during the first act of StarFox Adventures, her loincloth has been immortalized in the Super Smash Bros. series.

The Rise of Kasai and its predecessor are set in a land that’s influenced by Polynesian cultures and Maori mythology. The game’s characters are dressed appropriately for the climate they’re in, and this means that you can expect to see various skirts and loincloths in lieu of pants. Tati’s loincloth highlights her long legs and tribal tattoos, and it allows her to move around without restriction. Although her attacks are informed by rage and bloodlust, there’s an undeniable elegance to the way she moves. She relies on quick reflexes as she flips around the battlefield, and her murderous thighs wouldn’t be nearly as astonishing if her legs were concealed. The loincloth is an effective form of fanservice, but it’s also a practical fashion choice that provides insight into Tati’s cultural background and her dynamic fighting style.

Kratos is defined by extreme acts of violence, and his questionable decisions lead to the destruction of Olympus. Although he’s revealed to be the son of Zeus, the Spartan warrior seeks vengeance against the gods. His torn loincloth is a perfect compliment to his battle scars, and his tattered clothes are a reflection of his arrogance. You’re not going to march into battle without armor unless you’re really confident in your abilities. Kratos spends several games locked in a cycle of vengeance, but he eventually mellows out and passes his wisdom onto his son, Atreus. He also passes down his clothes. While Atreus is learning how to become a warrior, he wears his dad’s trademark loincloth around his waist. It’s the only cross-generational loincloth on this list, and that’s reason enough to justify it’s lofty position.

Pants are an important part of equestrian etiquette, and anyone who has ever been on a horse understands their importance. I’d imagine that pants would also be appropriate attire for riding dragons, but Judith is content to straddle her flying partner with her bare legs. I can only assume that she likes feeling the wind on her exposed skin as she flies through the air. In any regard, her outfit helps define who she is as an individual. Although she’s one of the more mature and rational characters in Tales of Vesperia, she also has an impulsive and flirtatious side. Her loincloth is as bold as her personality, and she clearly enjoys teasing her male friends. Judith is more than just a pretty face and a nice set of legs, but she’s patently aware of the power she has over men. She makes suggestive comments about her body more often than any of her companions do!

We can assume that some of the characters on this list wear loincloths because they’re comfortable. Others presumably wear them because they’re the only clothes that are readily available. In Maya Mahabala’s case, she wears a loincloth because her livelihood depends on it. Maya is a dancer by trade, and she resides in a town that’s populated almost entirely by entertainers and tourists. If she wants to make money, she has to be able to draw an audience. To that end, she wears next to nothing! She decorates her body with a few silver accessories, and her long orange loincloth accentuates her fantastic legs. A lot of the characters on this list are unintentionally sexy, but Maya clearly put a lot of thought into her outfit. Her younger sister is a lot more reserved than she is, and this makes Maya’s outfit seem more liberating in comparison.

The SoulCalibur roster is filled with scantily-clad women, and it’s not easy for anyone to stand out in a series famed for its ever-expanding bustlines. Seong Mi-na’s fashion sense isn’t conservative by any stretch of the imagination, but it would be fair to say that she isn’t nearly as sexualized as some of her Soul sisters are. The Korean cutie makes no effort to ramp up her sex appeal, but she doesn’t have to dress like a dominatrix to get my attention. The girl is fit as fuck, and she has the nicest legs in the entire SoulCalibur universe. She uses a naginata to keep her opponents at a distance, so her fighting style doesn’t necessarily emphasize her legs. Her thighs are almost as large as her waist, however, and her loincloths give us a clear view of them at all times. We all owe her loincloths a gift of gratitude.

No discussion of loincloths would be complete without mentioning Loana the Fair One from One Million Years B.C.. Raquel Welch’s tattered, tea-stained rags were every bit as iconic as Marilyn Monroe’s white dress from The Seven Year Itch. Ayla from Chrono Trigger reminds me a lot of Loana, but she’s more assertive. The fearless chief of Ioka village leads her people in a prehistoric war against sapient reptiles, and her strength is apparent to everyone. Her primitive clothes are typical for her era, but they become ostentatious after she starts traveling through time. It’s hard not to notice when someone’s wearing a fur loincloth in a robot factory. (At one point, Crono’s mom chastises her for wearing provocative clothing!) I maintain that Ayla wouldn’t be nearly as fascinating if she dressed conservatively.