Born to Be Wild

Ben Throttle is the leader of the Polecats motorcycle gang. Although his story unfolds against the backdrop of a post-apocalyptic future, Ben looks like a traditional biker with his leather jacket and five-o’clock shadow. His custom chopper is a classic model with raised handlebars and loud tailpipes, but it also has modern conveniences like a radar detector. The bike was made by Corley Motors, who is the last domestic motorcycle manufacturer in the country. Sadly, the company’s vice president plans to scrap their bike division and produce minivans instead. (The horror!) After a chance encounter with the Corley CEO, Ben gets wrapped up in a vast conspiracy. His bike is sabotaged at one point, resulting in a fiery crash. Fortunately, a mechanic chick named Maureen is able to salvage the bike and get it back on the road. She even improves upon the original design by adding a rocket! Ben becomes a fugitive after the Polecats are framed for murder, and he has to battle rival gangs in order to acquire new parts for his bike. The most notable upgrade is a high-tech hover fan that allows him to jump his motorcycle over a gorge! In the end, Ben clears his name, saves Corley’s motorcycle division, and rides off into the sunset like a boss. His chopper is relatively humble compared to some of the entries on this list (and it doesn’t even have a proper name), but Full Throttle is the first game that comes to mind when I think of motorcycles.

One of the best things about Dead Rising 2 was having the ability to create custom weapons. By combining items together in utility rooms, players could make everything from explosive meat to lightning guns. As a professional motocross racer, Chuck Greene is also able to modify various motorcycles. His standard dirtbike can potentially mow down hundreds of zombies before breaking down, and it can be even deadlier if Chuck is willing to experiment. He can increase the bike’s firepower by mounting bazookas or machine guns to the side, and he can also improve its durability by wrapping stuffed rabbits around the frame. Although there many combinations, the Slicecycle proves to be the deadliest weapon in the game, due to its speed and durability. Although it looks like a standard motorcycle with a pair of wing-like chainsaw blades, Chuck somehow creates the Slicecyle by combining a standard dirt bike and a single chainsaw. In any regard, the Slicecycle is exactly what its purported to be. It allows Chuck to slice up almost anything he runs into, and it can kill upwards of a thousand zombies under ideal conditions.

The Hardy-Daytona is a state-of-the-art motorbike developed by the Shinra Electric Power Company. It’s equipped with Shinra’s first-V-type DOHC engine, which shares specs with high-end aircrafts. When Cloud Strife and his friends were escaping from the Shinra Building, he stole the bike from a showroom in order to make a quick getaway. He was pursued by foot soldiers as he raced down the Midgar Expressway, so he had to fend them off with his oversized sword while simultaneously weaving through traffic. That’s what I call an exciting maiden voyage! The Hardy-Daytona was later featured in a free-to-play racing game called Final Fantasy VII G-Bike, and Cloud also rode the bike in Chocobo Racing! In later games, Cloud gains access to a new motorbike called Fenrir. Although Fenrir is faster and more maneuverable, I appreciate how the Hardy-Daytona draws inspiration from real world designs. (Its engine was clearly based on the first generation of the Yamaha V-Max.) The Hardy-Daytona was given a slight upgrade for the 2020 Final Fantasy VII Remake, and more detail was added to the fenders, wheel guards, and suspension components.

Travis Touchdown has a lot to learn about fiscal responsibility. He lives in a dingy motel room and is chronically underemployed, but he somehow finds enough money to buy anime figures and rent porn videos. (Who the fuck rents porn!?) Without question, his most extravagant expenditure is a platinum-bodied motorbike known as Schpeltiger. The tricked out scooter has 30-inch tires, four mufflers, and a specially tuned suspension. It has a cool paint job too, and it obviously borrowed design cues from X-Wing starfighters. It’s unclear how he paid for it, and it’s wildly out of place parked in front of his motel. In any regard, Schpeltiger is a reliable source of transportation for Travis. It also has a host of hidden features, and it can effectively mow down enemies if the situation calls for it. The bike is destroyed in the wake of a thrilling highway chase, so Travis rolls with the revamped Schpeltiger II in the sequel. The new model was somewhat more traditional in its design language, but I’m partial to the original version. In No More Heroes III, Travis drops the Schpeltiger in favor the Demzamtiger. The AKIRA-inspired bike has everything from a retractable beam katana blades to teleportation functions, but I still associate Travis with the Schpeltiger.

The Sheikah are an advanced civilization who cast aside their technology to live normal lives. Remnants of their advancements can still be found through the land, however. Many structures were built with the use of their technology, and the land of Hyrule is crawling with mechanical guardians. The tech is used in everything from arrows to stasis chambers, and Link’s Sheikah Slate is basically a glorified iPad. Hyrule, as it’s presented in Breath of the Wild, is a land where horses are the primary means of transportation and wars are fought with swords and shields. Sheikah tech could be likened to a primitive form of electricity, and it allows for all sorts of modern conveniences to exist. This is where the Master Cycle Zero comes into play. The ancient motorcycle was intended to be used by the one true hero, so it can only be obtained after completing a series of trials. It’s worth the effort, as the bike offers many benefits. Link can engage in mounted combat while riding the bike, and he can also run over enemies if he so desires. It’s much faster than a horse, and it’s somehow capable of jumping. As an added bonus, Link won’t take any damage if he accidentally drives off a cliff. The Master Cycle Zero also comes equipped with a headlight, allowing for leisurely midnight drives. The vehicle seems even more remarkable when you consider the fact that it can be fueled by apples! Outside of the Zelda series, the Master Cycle Zero has also been featured in Mario Kart 8 Deluxe. It guess it can’t be confined to a single franchise.

As the former heiress to the Umbra Witches, Jeanne rivals Bayonetta in both power and style. She could make a killing as a runway model, but she spends most of her free time fighting angels. She relies on martial arts, magic pistols, and demonic tag team partners, but this countdown is more concerned with her driving skills. The silver-haired vixen rides a motorcycle that comes with a vanity plate and a rocket. The girl’s a natural daredevil, and she leans heavily into the biker gimmick. (In Bayonetta 2, she struts around in a skin-tight biker suit and a pair of driving goggles!) She loves pulling dangerous stunts in traffic, and she has no qualms in driving head-on into her enemies. The motorbike is also used in rescue missions, and Jeanne is able to save Bayonetta after driving across a cascade of falling skyscrapers. At one point, Jeanne rides the bike into outer space to confront a primordial goddess. Even as she’s reaching escape velocity, Jeanne can weave around obstacles while filling her enemies with bullet holes. Fuck, she’s cool! Her bike is known as Angel Slayer, which is also the name of her trademark katana. It’s obviously not the most creative name, but it’s remarkably on-brand.

The aptly-named Wario Bike was created by the brilliant Dr. Crygor. Although it looks like a typical chopper, the bike was tailor-made for Wario’s unique dimensions. It’s an impressive 2.7m in length, and its 350HP engine tops out at 217 miles per hour. Wario uses the custom bike to move around Diamond City in the WarioWare games, and he fully commits to the biker aesthetic with his denim vest, fingerless gloves, and distinct riding goggles. The bike is prominently featured in cutscenes, and it’s also showcased in its own Excitebike-inspired microgame. Mario Kart Wii gives Wario a chance to test the bike under a variety of road conditions. Although it’s the heaviest bike in the game, it has the best handling and acceleration of any large vehicle. The Wario Bike has utility outside of the racing world too, and it’s used as a veritable weapon in the Smash Bros. series. Whether he’s crashing into his opponents or merely taunting them, the bike makes Wario seem more intimidating. It should be noted that Wario’s fascination with motorcycles predates the introduction of the Wario Bike. He proudly rode a motorcycle in Wario Blast, for example, and he could also obtain a bike in Mario Party 4. I guess a guy like Wario was born to be wild.

Legendary Pokémon are usually elusive creatures, but Koraidon and Miraidon show up in the opening act of Pokémon Scarlet and Violet. It was important for them to be introduced early on, since they serve as the main mode of transportation in the game. They have multiple forms that allow them to travel on earth, land, and sea, and they can adapt to nearly any geographical situation. The two of them are technically past-and-future relatives who were brought together through the magic of time travel. Koraidon is somewhat more organic in his design, while Miradion gives us a glimpse of the future. Although Koraidon looks like a motorbike, he doesn’t function like one. His wheel-like extremities don’t even make contact with the ground when he sprints across the land. Miraidon’s anatomy is much more sophisticated, and he can even sprout jet engines when the situation calls for it! By generating energy in his tail and throat, Miraidon can develop wheel-like rings that allow him to accelerate. These rings actually rotate when he’s in his Drive Mode, which makes Miraidon look like a proper bike when he’s zipping around the Paldea region.

Makoto Niijima dresses conservatively, has a rigid sense of morals, and takes herself way too seriously. In other words, she’s remarkably out of place on a list like this one. Although she’s prim and proper in most situations, any preconceived notions are thrown out the window after she joins a vigilante group and starts calling herself Queen. Drawing inspiration from Kamen Rider, the diligent class president clads herself in leather and starts mowing down enemies on a silver motorbike. The bike in question is an ethereal demon called Johanna, which explains why it has a face on the front of it. Johanna’s name is a reference to a mysterious pope from the Middle Ages who disguised herself as a man in order to gain a more prominent role in society. Johanna is just as defiant as her apocryphal namesake, and she’s a staring manifestation of Makoto’s rebellious streak. Within moments of mounting Johanna for the first time, Makoto takes out a group of guards with a drift. It’s almost like she’s trying to earn style points, and she goes out of her way to spin donuts while preparing for battle. In Persona 5 Strikers, Makoto spends most of her time ramming enemies with the bike. The girl turns out to be a complete badass, but we would never have known this if Johanna hadn’t given her an outlet to express her true self.

Devil May Cry 5 is the most varied game in the franchise, and there are more ways than ever to keep your combos going. Stylish combat and cool weapons have been a part of the franchise from the very beginning, and Devil May Cry 5 is even more over-the-top than its predecessors. At one point during the adventure, Dante is ambushed by a powerful demon called Cavaliere Angelo. The behemoth opens the battle by throwing a motorcycle, but Dante quickly cuts him down to size. After he’s defeated, his body fuses with the nearby motorbike. This creates the Cavaliere weapon, which doubles as a form of transportation. In it’s bike form, it resembles Cavaliere Angelo’s metal armor and features bat-like wings. Dante can decimate his enemies by spinning the bladed wheels, and the serrated protrusions act as veritable meat grinders. Although Dante can attack from the driver’s seat, he can also swing the bike by its handlebars and split it into a pair of massive buzz saws. The ability to use a demonic motorbike as a melee weapon exemplifies everything that’s great about Devil May Cry.