Who Wants a Moustache Ride?

Mike Haggar is quite possibly the manliest video game character of all time. Whether he’s beating up Andre the Giant clones with a lead pipe, showing off his spinning clothesline, or eating a turkey out of a garbage can, there is an unmistakable virility in everything he does. Haggar’s moustache is an extension of his manliness and a throwback to his days as a professional wrestler. Mike Haggar’s moustache could be compared to Tom Selleck’s, but it actually reminds me a lot more of Jesse Ventura’s. This is quite appropriate given that Haggar and Ventura alike are former pro wrestlers who later entered the world of politics. Since Jesse Ventura entered the political arena after Final Fight was released, it stands to reason that he was just as inspired by Haggar’s manliness as everyone else.

He may be evil and a little off his rocker, but there’s no doubt that Dr. Wily is a brilliant scientist. Wily comes across as a more demented version of Albert Einstein. Like many geniuses, Dr. Wily is so involved in his experiments that he can’t be bothered with mundane activities like combing his hair or grooming his moustache. There must be some sort of unwritten law that states that mad scientists (whether real or fictional) must look unkempt. Wily’s moustache is awkward and unwieldy, but he’s too busy trying to take over the world with an army of robots to care about his physical appearance. Wily’s moustache meshes well with his messy hair and bushy eyebrows, and it really fits his personality. You can tell just by looking at him that he probably has a few screws loose in his head, but that’s part of the reason we love him so much.

Many amazing moustaches can be seen in the Punch-Out!! series. From Soda Popinski’s goofy Fu Machu to Great Tiger’s elegant handlebar moustache, the series is a fantastic showcase of facial hair. Selecting the best moustache from the group was a difficult task, given the sheer diversity. Ultimately, I decided to give Von Kaiser the nod over Gabby Jay and his monstrous walrus ‘stache. Von Kaiser isn’t exactly the most popular Punch-Out!! character, but he’s deserving of a place on this list. He has a traditional handlebar moustache that you’d expect to see on a typical German strongman (or on Rip Taylor), but it’s a perfect fit for his personality. Von Kaiser looks like the type of person who would have a lot of authority, so it’s no surprise to learn that he used to be a boxing teacher… at the Military Academy!

Alakazam is a psychic Pokémon with fox-like features. With a reported IQ of 5,000, Alakazam has the uncanny ability to remember every battle he’s been in. He can also read minds and create visual doubles of himself. Although he has strong telekinetic powers and the brain of a supercomputer, his moustache is undoubtedly his most impressive physical feature due to its sheer length. Its handles are almost as long as his arms are! Moustaches of that stature often denote wisdom and experience, and this appears to ring true for Alakazam. He’s easily one of the smartest Pokémon, and the moustache helps accentuate his sage-like qualities. Alakazam’s moustache becomes even more imposing when he evolves, but Mega Alakazam is not eligible for the list since he grows a full-blown beard.

Dr. Eggman (also known as Dr. Ivo Robotnik) is a certifiable genius with an IQ of 300. Unfortunately, he chooses to use his genius for evil. Eggman is something of an authority on robotics, and plans to take over the world with his machines. Eggman has undergone several design changes over the years, but can always be identified by his trademark moustache. His moustache doesn’t really say much about his intelligence, but it could be seen as a reflection of his insanity. When your moustache weighs more than your head, you know there’s a problem. He’s almost more moustache than man! Despite his comical appearance, Eggman is one of the most despicable and menacing video game villains of all time. He’s also another example that proves that mad scientists and crazy moustaches go hand in hand.

Sir Alistair Hammerlock is a big game safari hunter and the first friendly character you meet in Borderlands 2. His appearance and personality were modeled after former US President Teddy Roosevelt, but his impressive mutton chops are more in line with Emperor Franz Joseph I of Austria. Sir Hammerlock is an incredibly ambitious individual with a lofty goal of completing a field journal detailing the flora and fauna of the savage planet, Pandora. One look at Hammerlock is enough to tell you that the guy has seen some shit. He’s missing limbs, he wears shattered glasses, and he is basically half-robot. His moustache is still flawless and is a reflection of his incredible resolve and determination. Captain Price from Call of Duty has a similar moustache, but he doesn’t pull it off nearly as well and often grows a full beard.

With over a dozen proper Final Fantasy games released thus far and even more spin-offs, the series has given gamers the ability to play as well over 100 characters. This diverse roster of characters includes a wide variety of races, ages, and classes. Remarkably, only a select few of these characters have moustaches. This is quite strange, because a moustache is a fairly easy way to make a statement about a character. Take Cyan Garamonde, for example. Cyan is a brilliant swordsman and impressive in battle, but he is also a highly sophisticated individual. You can almost sense this just by looking at his face. His moustache has a magnanimous nature and really seems to accentuate his nobility and wisdom. A moustache like that commands respect and speaks volumes about his personality.

Lord Geo Dampierre is a classical moustache-twirling villain the likes of which haven’t been seen since the silent movie era. Dampierre has been known as “Alchemist of the Ages”, “The World’s Greatest Assassin”, “Artistic Genius”, “Invincible Duelist”, “Jewel Mender”, “Merchant from the East”, “Miraculous Psychic”, and “Century’s Grandest Con Man.” After people began to recognize him as a thief, he was forced to take less respectful jobs like robbery and kidnapping. His life of luxury might be behind him, but Dampierre quickly became a fan favorite for his comical fighting style, absurd appearance, and childish personality. Armed with a pair of concealed punching daggers, Dampierre is known to lure opponents into a false sense of security by feigning injury. Once a con man, always a con man.

Solid Snake wore a moustache in Metal Gear Solid that somehow made him seem like an even bigger badass despite his accelerated aging process. Ocelot still has the best moustache in the series, though. In a franchise where telekinesis, genetic engineering, invisible body armor, and ridiculous bi-pedal nuclear tanks are all part of reality, a good old fashioned gunslinger like Revolver Ocelot really stands out. With his full-length duster, spurs, and Colt Single Action Army revolver, Ocelot looks like a walking homage to spaghetti westerns from the ’60s and ’70s. Ocelot’s burly moustache and gruff speaking voice fit nicely with this theme. His white hair is an indication of his experience and should not be mistaken as a sign of frailty or weakness. If they were ever to make a Metal Gear movie, Sam Elliot would be the prefect choice to play Ocelot.

It only makes sense that the most famous video game moustache would belong to the most famous video game character. Unlike everyone else on this list, Mario doesn’t have a moustache to look manly, civilized, or stylish. Rather, Mario has a moustache out of necessity. Pixels were a precious commodity when Mario made his debut in 1981, and it was often difficult to give characters distinctive features that could be easily identified. Mario was given his trademark moustache because it was easier than giving him a mouth. He isn’t exactly the most handsome video game character, but his moustache made him believable as a working class hero. Mario has worn many hats over the years and has changed his clothes on numerous occasions, but his moustache has been his most defining feature for over 30 years.