Ridiculous Items

The power mushroom from Super Mario Bros. is arguably gaming’s most iconic power-up. It’s how Mario was able to become Super Mario in the first place. The poison mushroom from the Japanese version of Super Mario Bros. 2 has a very different purpose. After conditioning gamers to chase down mushrooms in the first game, Nintendo decided to troll their fans in the sequel by introducing deadly mushrooms that were as dangerous as any enemy. The mushrooms were given a makeover in Super Mario All-Stars to make their poisonous nature more apparent, but they were more unassuming in the original release and there was no reason to believe that they could kill you at first. If nothing else, the poison mushrooms deserve a place on this list for being one of the earliest examples of a detrimental power-up.

It’s not uncommon for games to feature items that exist solely for the purpose of trading for other things. When players find an item they have no use for, the next step is usually to find someone who needs it. There is usually some logic behind these fetch quests, and most games create elaborate explanations as to why certain characters require these otherwise useless items. EarthBound is not a normal game, however, and there’s no attempt to make the Insignificant Item seem desirable to anyone. In fact, the game explicitly states that it doesn’t look like the item does much of anything. After you find the Insignificant Item in a random drawer, a man in a neighboring town will offer to exchange it for a magic truffle. We never find out what the item was or why the man wanted it in the first place.

There are dozens of fashion accessories to find in Symphony of the Night, but none are more bewildering or superficial than the Secret Boots. Most of the clothing items in the game increase Alucard’s stats or grant him special abilities, but the Secret Boots barely do anything. The in-game description explains that the boots discreetly increase height, and Alucard’s sprite is stretched vertically by a few pixels when he wears them. The impact is so inconsequential that you’d probably never notice if the game didn’t tell you. The difference is trivial even if you look at the sprites side-by-side. I understand why an A-list celebrity might feel compelled to wear lifts on the red carpet, but there’s no practical reason why a vampire-hunting dhampir would need to wear them in a haunted castle.

Dozens of fruit trees are scattered throughout the Forbidden Lands in Shadow of the Colossus, and there are eight different types of fruit for Wander to sample during his adventure. Most fruit will replenish his health, but the fruit found within the Shrine of Worship should be avoided at all costs. The Shrine acts as the entrance to the Forbidden Lands and is the first area Wander steps foot in, but a secret garden awaits him if he’s willing to explore. If Wander manages to climb to the top of the Shrine, he will find himself in a beautiful courtyard filled with trees and exotic animals. Unfortunately, the fruit found in the garden will dramatically decrease Wander’s health and stamina. It’s a laborious and time-consuming task to find the fruit, and Wander gets punished for his efforts.

As the aspiring Overlord of the Netherworld, Laharl goes to great lengths to prove how powerful he is. Although he tries to put on a brave face at all times, he lets his guard down when he meets a zombie who’s equipped with a horse wiener for some reason. It’s unclear how the horse wiener works, but Laharl insists that it’s dangerous and warns his party members to stay alert. If the horse wiener is stolen from the zombie, it can be equipped like any other accessory. I’m not sure why the zombie had it in the first place and I have no idea why you’d want to steal it from him, but I guess it just goes to show that everyone wishes they had a horse wiener. Surprisingly, the item is actually useful and provides a significant stat boost. I’m not going to ask how a character equips it, but the results speak for themselves.

The genetically engineered super soldiers in the Metal Gear Solid series are armed to the teeth with high-tech gadgets. It’s not hard to imagine how remote controlled missiles or smart camo could come in handy, but Snake also finds creative ways to use innocuous items on the battlefield. Cigarettes can be used to detect infrared security beams, cardboard boxes can become hiding places, and adult magazines can distract lonely guards. Things become even more absurd in Metal Gear Solid V, where life-sized posters can be affixed to cardboard boxes in order to create hilarious disguises. Guards will ogle posters of glamour models and salute posters that depict their superior officers. They’ll even be fooled by posters of 2D anime girls! That’s a whole new level of lonely right there.

The Vibe Scepter is an artifact in Super Princess Peach that has the power to affect emotions. When Bowser gets his hands on it, he uses its influence to control his enemies and he even manages to capture the Mario brothers in the process. In a textbook case of role-reversal, Princess Peach sets forth to rescue her kidnapped friends. The concept of a magic wand that controls your emotions isn’t especially outlandish, but the game breaks the fourth wall in the most unexpected way after Bowser is defeated. The game suggests that the Vibe Scepter might actually be hidden in your house and further implies that it might be the reason why your mom has been so happy lately. I never likened the scepter to a Hitachi Magic Wand until the game spelled it out for me, but I guess “vibe” has more than one definition.

References to invisibility cloaks date back to the days of ancient Greece, and magical garments are staples of folklore and fantasy. Frodo’s Elvin cloak conceals him from his enemies in The Lord of the Rings, the Magic Cape allows you to pass through certain objects in A Link to the Past, and Harry Potter makes frequent use of an invisibility cloak during his years at Hogwarts. The Cloak of Darkness from Wizards & Warriors appears to be cut from the same cloth, but its application makes it one of the most pointless power-ups in gaming. The cloak does exactly what it says on the tin and grants invisibility to whomever wears it. Unfortunately, the cloak doesn’t work on everyone. Players can’t see the character when they use the cape, but their enemies still know exactly where to find them.

School Girl/Zombie Hunter is exactly what it sounds like. The Onechanbara spinoff centers around five students who fight for survival after their school is invaded by the undead. The heroines have overwhelming firepower and specialized fighting skills at their disposal, but they’re also resourceful young women. In a pinch, the girls can drop their panties and use them to distract pervy zombies. Underwear won’t be effective unless its worn for a while, and the game actually likens the panties to a popular Japanese dish in this regard. The official description compares underwear to oden, and further explains that it’s meaningless unless you “soak it in the soup for a long time.” It’s over-the-top and kind of gross, but you have to admire how committed the developers were to the concept.

The Koroks are diminutive plant-like creatures who can be found hiding all around the land of Hyrule. Link will have to solve puzzles in order to find some of them, and he can leave no stone unturned if he wants to catch ’em all. Link with be rewarded with a Korok Seed for each Korok he locates, but it will take countless hours to track them all down. If Link somehow manages to collect all 900 Korok Seeds, a large Korok named Hestu will give him his just rewards. Hestu’s Gift is supposedly a sign of friendship, but it literally looks like a piece of shit and the game plainly states that “it smells pretty bad.” The Korok Seeds were said to have had a “distinct smell” too, and the implication is that you’ve been collecting Korok poop the entire time! What a way to end the word’s most elaborate game of hide-and-seek.