GamePro ProTips

Before the Internet was a thing, the world had to get their gaming news from magazines, word of mouth, or their uncle that worked at Nintendo. I always had an affinity for print media, and I have fond memories of buying my favorite magazines every month. The shelves were saturated with gaming mags, and each one felt completely different from the next. Nintendo Power was the place to go for Nintendo news, EGM had the best review crew in the business, and Gamefan’s coverage of niche Japanese titles was second to none. GamePro put more emphasis on strategy than most of their competitors, and each game they reviewed was accompanied by ProTips that could ostensibly help the player out. In reality, these ProTips were often self-explanatory factoids that emphasized common sense. A 2013 meme highlighted the inanity of GamePro’s editorial content, and ProTips have now entered our everyday vernacular. This list looks at 100 of the most absurd ProTips to ever be printed in GamePro. Some of their tips were actually helpful, but this countdown is focused on trivial advice or off-the-wall comments that are funny out of context.

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100	Cows really bring in the moola, if you can protect them.
	– The Horde, Issue #58
99	Save your Web Fluid for when you really need it.
	– Spider-Man, Issue #38
98	Save free food for when you need it most.
	– Wizards & Warriors III, Issue #31
97	Robots are susceptible only to rear attacks.
	– The Ninja Warriors, Issue #58
96	The computer is tough and doesn’t make a lot of mistakes.
	– War on Wheels, Issue #18
95	If you run out of ammo, you can punch and kick.
	– Shadow Dancer, Issue #12
94	Drive slowly and carefully, it’s easy to wreck your car.
	– NARC, Issue #14
93	Julian is the best brother.
	– The Faery Tale Adventure, Issue #26
92	Don’t waste time hanging around! Day becomes night, and the bats come out to get you!
	– Rastan, Issue #1
91	Use a rapid-fire controller for a great turbo-charged club advantage.
	– Bignose the Caveman, Issue #31
90	You’re instantly terminated if a Terminator touches you!
	– The Terminator, Issue #37
89	Listen for honks – they warn you of oncomnig traffic.
	– Road Rash 3, Issue #69
88	Draw a map of every known room in the mansion, making special notes to avoid hazards.
	– Airball, Issue #1
87	If you need to heal yourself, stand front of a frog statue and bonk the mini-frogs until you’re fully restored.
	– Uforia, Issue #28
86	If you ever reach stage 4-1 A look closely. The answer is “Yes.”
	– Ninja Gaiden III, Issue #26
85	When you wade through water, press A for a gorilla slam that would make even the Ultimate Warrior cringe.
	– Ikari Warriors, Issue #22
84	If the computer offers to finish the phrase you’re typing, you don’t have to spell it out.
	– Jeopardy!, Issue #100
83	Hold your light gun as close to the screen as possible.
	– Meltdown, Issue #15
82	Several shots to the copter’s nose will end this nightmarish scene.
	– Shinobi, Issue #1
81	Don’t get squashed by huge roaming dinos.
	– Chuck Rock II, Issue #50
80	Use the environment to your advantage whenever possible.
	– Diablo, Issue #92
79	Piles of bones and globs of yuk usually form into monsters.
	– Laser Ghost, Issue #21
78	You can outrun the Dumpster Man.
	– NARC, Issue #14
77	One accurately timed jump, kick or punch will defeat a cyclist.
	– Vigilante, Issue #1
76	If you’re neck-and-neck with an opponent, use bump-and-grind tactics (rear-ending or sliding in from the side) to crash them out.
	– The Need for Speed, Issue #86
75	The Special Stages get progressively more and more difficult!
	– Sonic the Hedgehog 2, Issue #43
74	Victory is no mystery: inferior forces never beat superior forces.
	– Lords ofthe Rising Sun, Issue #38
73	Use clouds located in the upper Junkyard levels as “safety spots” to escape being smacked by poop-bombing birds and runaway tire.
	– Scrapyard Dog, Issue #17
72	Go for the little ones first.
	– Alien Crush, Issue #5
71	If you’ve got a very bad poker hand, sometimes the best thing to do is fold. You lose less money in the long run and you can start a new round-hopefully with better cards!
	– Casino Games, Issue #7
70	Snowmen can be a real pain in the ice. Blast them, then back up and blast some more.
	– Virtuoso, Issue #73
69	Water is useful for putting out fires.
	– Stormlord, Issue #21
68	Glance at the “Next” window to get a sneak preview of what’s coming.
	– Dr. Robotnik’s Mean Bean Machine, Issue #55
67	Round 2’s Wall Monster has a big mouth.
	– Shadow Dancer, Issue #20
66	Be careful not to lay a long snake horizontally across the playing field, or you’ll block access to everything below.
	– Wild Snake, Issue #65
65	Land your first shot in the hag’s face for 2 million easy points.
	– Dragon’s Fury, Issue #36
64	Look for food in Matt’s Meat shop on D Street, as well as in Harry’s Diner on 5th Ave.
	– Adventures in Dynatron City, Issue #35
63	Crashing damages your bike and can cost you up to 10 seconds in the race. Don’t crash!
	– Road Rash, Issue #30
62	To defeat Bruce, time his jumps and run under him just as he’s about to jump on Mega Man. Then turn and shoot him with the Mega Blaster.
	– Road Rash, Issue #16
61	Since you stare at the screen for a long time, experiment. Some objects are easier to see than others.
	– Columns, Issue #17
60	Only use passwords when you can’t avoid the robots any other way.
	– Impossible Mission, Issue #1
59	If you’re not knowledgeable about a category, start with the easiest questions (these are worth the lowest dollar amounts.)
	– Jeopardy!, Issue #69
58	Roll into a Round Ball to reveal dozens of secret passageways.
	– Metroid II, Issue #31
57	Try to make the moves that give you multiple combos.
	– Tetris Attack, Issue #88
56	Keep grabbing weapon power-ups until your weapon of choice maxes up to full power.
	– Ultimate Tiger, Issue #10
55	Grab every magic bonus you can get…you’ll need them to outwit the beasties!
	– Bubble Bobble, Issue #1
54	There are no ProTips, except for those that exist for chess (which are too numerous to print). Read up on classic chess strategies or learn from a friend…and enjoy these great animation sequences from the game.
	– Star Wars Chess, Issue #64
53	Visit the library.
	– Ecco the Dolphin, Issue #49
52	Running (press Button 1) gives you distance on jumps.
	– Bonkers: Wax Up!, Issue #69
51	For greater speed, stay on the paved track.
	– Cyber Speedway, Issue #75
50	If you’re far enough ahead, you don’t have to bet in Final Jeopardy to win.
	– Jeopardy!, Issue #49
49	Scroll shop menus that appear full to reveal more items.
	– Final Fantasy VII, Issue #99
48	In Space Harrier, shoot the head of the dragon boss to complete Level One.
	– Sega Ages, Issue #100
47	Keep passwords handy for future battles.
	– Military Madness, Issue #8
46	When in close, tap Punch, Punch, Punch, Punch.
	– WWF Wrestlemania: The Arcade Game, Issue #86
45	You’ll never win a thing, but you can drive completely around a track in the opposite direction.
	– Super Mario Kart, Issue #41
44	If you perish, re-collect 1-ups to restore lost lives.
	– Hook, Issue #36
43	Passwords are 22 characters long and sometimes hard to read (2’s look like z’s). Copy them carefully or you’ll lose an entire round of play!
	– Arnold Palmer, Issue #7
42	Build rows that are four levels deep, then wait for the big red piece to score big.
	– Tetris & Dr. Mario, Issue #69
41	Try to catch the puck with a flipper, then aim it where you want to hit it.
	– Galactic Pinball, Issue #75
40	When all else fails, cheat. Use the option menu to rearrange your opponent’s button controls.
	– Street Fighter II, Issue #37
39	The Green bottle, Hot Sauce, gives the Brothers indigestion…and super special abilities!
	– Snow Brothers, Issue #28
38	Sometimes the dumbest thing to do is to try to be cool! If you’re only packing a weak sword and you come face to face with a Baboon, run!
	– Dragon Warrior II, Issue #16
37	Stay away from the Detroit Tigers.
	– Frank Thomas “Big Hurt” Baseball, Issue #86
36	Red targets on enemies are weak spots.
	– Creature Shock, Issue #84
35	If your wing man calls for help, help him!
	– Wing Commander: The Secret Missions, Issue #50
34	When playing Quick Draw, be ready to shoot as soon as the word “FIRE” appears.
	– Kirby’s Adventure, Issue #50
33	Don’t be shy. Use your Shwings when you’re cornered. Good call!
	– Wayne’s World, Issue #46
32	After your opponent’s ballz have been shattered, press Button A four times.
	– Ballz: The Director’s Cut, Issue #75
31	Ride through a cow and hear it “moo!”
	– Road Rash 2, Issue #42
30	Work on your opponent’s head and body.
	– Evander Hollyfield’s “Real Deal” Boxing, Issue #36
29	To destroy large enemy vessels, get behind them and shoot missiles “up the pipe.”
	– Wing Commander, Issue #42
28	On offense, the cream pie is the easiest and most effective power-up.
	– Looney Tunes B-Ball, Issue #68
27	Don’t munch edibles until you really need them.
	– Final Fight, Issue #29
26	Hit as many of the speed boosters as possible.
	– WipEout, Issue #76
25	Don’t let the No Dancing sign stop you from trying out your best moves. The bad guys are just trying to intimidate you.
	– Michael Jackson’s Moonwalker, Issue #13
24	Position yourself to the left of the Paramecium and blast him repeatedly in the blowhole.
	– Forgotten Worlds, Issue #8
23	You can grab rebounds, so do it!
	– Takin’ it to the Hoop, Issue #9
22	After you beat Rahzar in Level One, Scene Four he turns into a wimpy dog. If you’re feeling sadistic, beat the dog to hear pathetic whimpers.
	– Turtles in Time, Issue #35
21	At the end of each level, you must defeat a big boss. The more hearts you go into battle with, the better chance you have of beating them.
	– Rescue Rangers, Issue #9
20	Read your manual! if you don’t you won’t be able to operate U-Force effectively!
	– U-Force, Issue #5
19	Read the manual, or you won’t have a clue!
	– Power Monger, Issue #43
18	Search everywhere and taste everything.
	– Shining Force II, Issue #62
17	There’s a code that enables you to play as the bosses, Clown and Karnov. Good luck finding it!
	– Figher’s History, Issue #60
16	Don’t ever paint the realistic-looking gun black!
	– Lethal Enforcers, Issue #52
15	The new password system is much easier to transcribe than the old grid!
	– Mega Man X, Issue #54
14	Don’t pass up the chance to collect power-up boxes…you’ll need them!
	– Operation Wolf, Issue #1
13	Watch for the passwords at the end of each room. This allows you to continue your game where you left off.
	– Adventures of Lolo, Issue #1
12	Some of the new characters, such as Kyo Kusanagi, kick butt…
	– The King of Fighters ’94, Issue #66
11	…and some of the new characters, like like Chang Koehan, just have a big butt!
	– The King of Fighters ’94, Issue #66
10	Don’t hit the buzzer automatically. Once you buzz, you’ve got to give a question for the answer that Alex reads. If you’re wrong, you’re gonna lose money.
	– Jeopardy!, Issue #47
9	There’s only one 1-Up. It’s on Level…naww, you find it.
	– Code Name: Viper, Issue #12
8	This game has secret codes!
	– Double Dragon V, Issue #61
7	Dr. Light is still Mega Man’s mentor.
	– Mega Man X, Issue #54
6	Don’t expect U-Force to increase your gaming scores, especially at first. It’s designed to make gaming more difficult, more challenging and a different kind of experience.
	– U-Force, Issue #5
5	The secret password really is a word, but it really is a secret, too. Trial and error is the only way to figure it out.
	– Tricky Kick, Issue #20
4	Take heart! During the game something happens to remedy this situation…but we’re not going to tell!!
	– Phantasy Star II, Issue #8
3	During the Log Ride, a log isn’t the only thing you must ride.
	– Tiny Toon Adventures 2, Issue #43
2	Earthworm Jim was born on June 9, 1994.
	– Earthworm Jim, Issue #76
1	Have a nice day!
	– Faceball 2000, Issue #38

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